Life Choices

So today, I saw this picture posted by KARMA: What Goes Around Comes Around and it really made me think.  I mean, doesn't it seem profoundly true in so many ways?  How many times have you thought you had it all worked out and suddenly realized that although you thought you had it all worked out, suddenly the answer didn't seem to make sense anymore?

I know I seem to have had a heaping dose of that lately myself.

In truth, I think it's just that I'm in an uncomfortable place in my life right now.  All the news I received from the hospital while I was sick, although it was information that I needed to have, it left me in a bit of a predicament.

You see, although I felt largely unfulfilled some days, I wasn't really what I would call unhappy with my life.  I had my bad habits like everyone else (smoking and drinking way too much caffeine), but I reasoned those away with how I could definitely have much worse habits ("I mean...it's not like I'm a real drug addict or anything...").

My time at the hospital told me that no matter how I tried to make my habits seem reasonable, that they were still killing me.

English: Caffeine Free Coca-Cola (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Since leaving the hospital, I've almost completely given up caffeine, something I honestly never thought I'd do.  My life is fueled on coffee and giving it up has been hard.  I haven't completely quit, but I have been considering buying some decaf instant and seeing if I can fool myself with it the same way I have with Caffeine-free soda.

The other thing is that in replacement of all the caffeine-rich drinks I was having, I've switched over to drinking juice some.  Me, drinking juice...those that know me personally could tell you that's something they never thought they'd see.

The next thing is smoking.  For the last 2 days, I've been trying to smoke some on an e-cigarette and cut back on how many real cigarettes I'm smoking.  Draco and I have spent the morning looking over various websites and brands, comparing prices for starter kits and refills.  I'm very curious about the flavored ones.  I have found a site that carries coffee, vanilla and cherry (well, they carry more than that, but those are the ones I'm looking at).  I thought about contacting them and asking them if they'd let me do a product review, but I really don't have enough traffic here to interest anyone for something like that.

I think we finally settled on the Victory Electronic Cigarette.  The tobacco store close to our house has the starter kits for $25 and Draco and I are both considering getting one.

At first, he wasn't going to quit smoking with me, but after we talked last night, I think he's changed his mind and is looking forward to giving it a try himself.  I'm really excited about the coffee flavored one.

This week, I'm also going to some decaf coffee.  See if I can make my brain believe it's getting what it wants without the added crap that will put me on dialysis for the rest of my life.

OK, so I'm having to use some little tricks and lies on myself.  I'm sure there are those out there that say it's just as wrong as bribing a child to get it to do what you want it to do, but I say it's more along the lines of positive reinforcement...and besides, if caffeine and smoking are really so bad for me (and I believe they are), who gives a crap how I have to go about getting off of them, just so long as I do?

Have you had to detox bad habits from your life?  What did you give up and how?

Blessings,

Fae Moon

Related articles

• What Are Electronic Cigarettes and How Safe Are They?
• E Cigarette Forever Using These Very Recommendations
• Saying Bye To Caffeine

Reconsidering

So, I haven't posted at this blog since May, right before my mom's birthday and I haven't posted over at the Wordpress blog in a week or two either.  I had thought that once again, I was done blogging.  I told myself I just don't have time to be a blogger, and really I don't, but...I still have a desire to write.  Not for the masses, but for myself.  For my husband, daughter and granddaughter.  For my Chicklet.  For the day when I'm gone and people want to feel some kind of connection to me.

See, since I've been gone from blogging, I almost died twice.  I got pneumonia about 3 weeks ago now and my right lung nearly collapsed.  Not a good thing when you have severe asthma.  They admitted me to the hospital and told me it almost killed me.  That I was literally drowning in mucus in my lung and had I waited much longer to go to the emergency room, and my lung had collapsed...well, lets just say that with asthma, that would have been very bad and I might not have had time to get to the emergency room before I stopped breathing completely.

Then, as part of the treatment for the pneumonia, they prescribed me steroids.  Apparently I had a bad reaction to them because I started having heart palpitations and my blood pressure skyrocketed a week to the day after I'd been admitted for pneumonia.  They said I nearly blew a valve in my heart and if I had done that, I could have been dead before I even hit the floor with a massive heart attack.

So, I've been thinking a lot about "when I'm gone" lately.  I've been thinking about all the times since my mom passed so unexpectedly, that I wished there was a way I could hear her voice one more time.  That I wished I could talk to her once more.

Well, blogging won't really help for hearing my voice, but in some ways, it might, because I write in my voice and my kids know it.  I write the way I talk, or at least I try to, so maybe one day when I'm gone, one of my kids or Draco will get to missing me and they'll remember..."Hey, she was a blogger...I think I'll go read some of her old posts and feel close to her again".

With that said, if one of my husband, kids (or grand kids) is reading this, and I am gone, know that I love you and that I'm doing this for you and that even now, I'm thinking of you all as I write this.

So, I will be writing.  I'm not going to set the blog to private and make them jump through a bunch of hoops with passwords and all that mess, but what I write, I'll be writing for myself, and for them.  Not for the masses.  If others want to read my words, that's awesome, but if not, that's OK too because I'm writing for them.  They are my world.  They are my everything.  They are all that has ever really mattered to me and everything I've ever done, in some way, I've done for them.

Blessings,
Fae

Learning To Let Go

The truth is, letting go is never easy for most people, be it a person, job, situation, habit, furbaby, or anything else. This post is not about teaching you how to let go, or even how to make it hurt less, it is simply my own realizations and experiences from a life that had seemed filled with letting go.

I think most people learn about letting go at a young age with either the passing of a family member or family pet.

The very first experience I had with it, that I remember, was my great uncle when I was 4.

He was severely diabetic and I barely remember brief periods when it wasn't obvious, even to a child, that something was wrong with him. Of course, I didn't understand what being diabetic was back then, I only knew the man I loved and called "Papa", that was like a father to me, was sick and had to go away a lot. I understand now that he was in and out of the hospital a lot, but I didn't understand that then.

His death, and learning what death was, was my first experience with having to let go.

The next time was my beloved cat, Baby. As loyal as any dog, and just as smart, she was my first dance with being a fur-mom.

Given to me as a dying runt when I was around seven, baby went on to have numerous litters of her own, making me a "child grand-ma" many times over.

When I was about eight or nine, she tried to run across the road with a bob-tailed semi coming and he never even tapped his breaks. She died in my arms in the backyard, too broken for the vet to fix her.

My cousin, friends, and I gave her a proper burial in the backyard and years later I could often still be seen sitting alone by her grave, crying quietly as I told her how very much I missed her and struggled to let go.

Death is, of course, a part of life, and since then I've seen death claim more than it's share, including furbabies, a few friends, my beloved Daddy Teddy Bear, The Puppet Master and many family members, including the cousin that was like a brother to me, that had attended Baby's funeral. We were only 30 when a motorcycle accident claimed him and I still miss him.

Death is only one form of letting go though. Death, at least, gives you no choice. Other forms of letting go are not so clean-cut, like the relationship you didn't want to end, but they did -- and then you run into them with someone new, or the family or friend you cared deeply for that had become poison and you had to walk away.

Sometimes, we have to let go when we really don't want to, knowing it's for the best for one or more of the people involved, and personally, I think the pain involved in that one ranks right up there with the pain of death.

I know when I lost Step-Dad due to circumstances I couldn't control, it hit me just as hard as losing The Puppet Master had earlier that year.

Recently, I had to let Dragonfly go. It was one of those tough-love moments every parent prays never happens to them. Deep-down, I pray it doesn't have to be permanent because I love my child, but sometimes, you just have to make a stand and make them figure out life on their own.

The pain of making that decision had been weighing on me for months and when I said it to her, the pain slammed into me like a freight train with no breaks. It laid my heart bare and left me bleeding on the inside. A pain I'm still struggling to find balance under.

During all this, two people close to my heart have laid beloved fur-babies to rest and I have done what I could to help them heal while struggling with my own pain.

Although I know time does not truly heal all wounds, I do know that time will help make the pain more bearable for all of our losses.

Meanwhile, I struggle to find my equilibrium in a world full of limbo and letting go peppered with the humor I have to find in life to save my sanity while I do what we all do, and try to learn to let go.

Blessings from The Lair,

Drakina

Beltane

Beltane is a fertility and fire festival, also known as May Day.

There are many ways, both as groups and as solitaires, to honor this holiday.

If you happen to have children you'd like to include in a ritual, this one from about.com might be a good starting point : Hold a Family Abundance Rite for Beltane.

If, on the other hand, you're solitaires and perhaps empty-nesters, like Draco and I, you could do something more elaborate, or more simple.

Draco and I don't tend to have a lot of time to do things, so setting up elaborate rituals is almost always a frustrating experience for us, so we tend to celebrate in more mundane ways. Here's an idea of what the holiday will be like at The Lair.

Naturally, Draco has already heard that they will most likely be working late today (of course). Things like this almost always seem to happen on our holidays.

I have already showered and done a cleansing ritual for myself and have put on a very vibrantly colored shirt to honor the coming colors of spring. He will do his when he gets home.

I will spend my day cleaning and taking care of my plants. I do have seeds I'd intended to plant today, but of course, I forgot to buy pots and dirt, so that will have to wait.

In honor of financial fertility, I intend to do at least a little work on my business, Dragon's Lair Crafts.

Tonight, since we can't have a bonfire where we live, I will light candles all over the house, burn some of our favorite incense, and dinner will be eaten at the table where I have already placed some of my house-plants. Conversation well be about our hopes and dreams for our future as a couple and what things we would like to see grow between us.

I will have some small pieces of paper on hand where we can write our wishes and after dinner, we will burn them in my mini-cauldron that sits on my alter. Tomorrow, I will offer the ashes to the universe and The Fates.

Since we do live alone, all of this will be followed by some intimate time between us as we celebrate our own sex rite and the energy will be offered to the universe to help fertilize our wishes.

Afterwards, we will enjoy cake and tea (since I also forgot to buy a bottle of wine) while we ground our energies.

That's it. Tomorrow I will offer the ashes of our wishes and do some more cleaning, including a complete smudging of the house.

In Paganism, especially if you are solitary, it doesn't have to be elaborate or fancy, and you don't even need a lot of tools. You and your intention are your greatest tool!

I wish you all a very blessed Beltane from The Lair!

Drakina

Sharing Grief

Last night was rough. I spent the end of my evening helping my sister-cousin, Tiger, try to wade through the over-whelming grief and anger that comes with loosing a fur-child.

Although little Noel's life was peppered with health issues that the vet could not identify, we all believed that she was trying to get better. She had not been feeling well the last few days, but that was not uncommon. Her health tended to see-saw so much that we had all come to accept it as part of her life. Not knowing what was wrong with her gave us all a false sense of hope that, one day, she might recover and live a normal life.

Even with her health issues, her passing last night seemed so sudden and unexpected to us all, but especially to Tiger.

Tiger was wracked with the grief and guilt that only a fur-mom can know and I know from my own experiences with loosing fur-kids, that there really isn't anything anyone can say or do to lessen the hold grief wraps around your heart like a vice.  All I could do was try to hold my own grief in check and be a comforting voice on the other end of a too far away phone call.

My heart ached as I listened to one of the most important people in my life try to give voice to the pain that consumed her. My Tiger, so strong, yet with the unbridled heart of a child when it comes to what she loves and values.

As an empath, feeling the emotions of others is something I struggle to avoid most days, but with Tiger, as with Draco and Witchlet, those boundaries do not exist. I have no walls to separate me from them because I refuse to allow them.

Being 2 hours away on a work night, I could not offer her the small comfort my presence may have given her. I could not reach her to hold her with my arms, so I held her the only way I could -- with my heart.

As I let her grief and pain wash over my soul, I knew I was giving her a gift only I could offer her, sharing her grief. Her pain became my pain, her heart to my heart. A bond I share with precious few. I could almost feel our souls connect over the miles that separated us.

I know that this small act on my part did not, and cannot, lessen her pain. Nothing can.

They say that time heals all wounds, but that is not true. I still ache to hold my lost fur-children. My heart is still littered with raw spots that their passings have left, like tiny paw-prints on my heart. I know that the loss of Noel will leave those tiny paw-prints on Tiger's heart as well.

While my gift last night cannot take away her pain, I hope that it at least made the darkness she wandered in a little less lonely, a little less frightening because I know the darkness that grief can cast on your soul. I know the devastation of loss.

Sometimes, there are no words we can offer to those in pain. People often try to fill the silence with empty words and platitudes. Their intentions are good, but sometimes the only thing we truly have to offer another in their moments of grief is our heart and someone to share the pain.

While Tiger made the trip to lay her fur-child to rest, I laid my head in Draco's lap and tried to release my own grief. I had gotten attached to Noel over the many weekends we've spent at their house and looked on her and her fur-sister, Raven, as my nieces. They are Tiger's children in her heart and could be no less in mine.

As I once again light candles this morning, I am grateful that our little Noel no longer feels the pain her body suffered and I hope the light from her candle will lead her safely on to The Rainbow Bridge where she will wait with Tiger's other lost fur-children until they are reunited once more.

I will also light candles for Tiger for the strength she will need in the coming days as she struggles to deal with her loss, for strength for Bear as he tries to offer what comfort he can to the woman he loves as he deals with his own loss. For Aunt Hippy and Uncle Boomhower, who rushed to her side to offer what comfort they could and for myself and Draco while we try to help in whatever ways we can.

My candles are but small dots of light in the darkness Noel's passing has left, but they are lights just the same and I believe with all my heart that Noel can see those lights and knows that we are grieving and that in our grief, she was loved.

Rest easy now, Miss Noel, your family loves you.

With love,

Auntie

What connects me

I just read this thought-provoking post (link below), that asks what connects us.

I've been answering a lot of questions about my path lately to Tiger who is very eager to understand the passion I have for my spirituality, so I thought I'd address my thoughts on this topic here.

I'm finding joy in my life in being present in the moments life gives me, both alone and with the people who matter in my life. I do have a time I consider sacred, though, when I feel particularly grounded and connected and it's this time I'd like to share with you.

In the mornings, either before Draco gets up or after I take him to work, I make a cup of coffee that I take care to be precise with. I set it aside to begin cooling as I make my way to the ancestor shrine I've recently set up where I spend a few moments with Teddy Bear's photograph. Sometimes I just admire the quiet strength that shines from his photo, other times I talk to him for a few moments. Either way, he has my undivided attention during those moments as I give myself over to the feelings of being loved and protected that he always seemed to exude. Then, I spend a few moments with the photos of my living family and in giving thanks for the love and protection they continue to offer me. Again, this task has my undivided attention as I'm reminded how blessed I truly am that these people love me so unconditionally.

From there, I move to the family altar Draco and I share where I greet the day, ask for strength and receive any guidance the gods have to offer. This is a type of light trance for me. I ask for the blessings and safe-keeping of my loved ones, guidance for the lost, understanding for the confused, balance for those who cannot seem to find it and for those I love to never again feel a moments doubt about my feelings for them. I even say a few words for our way-ward third and offer my hopes to the winds of change and the Fates that she one day finds her way home.

Once I'm done, I sit at my kitchen table and focus on that cup of coffee. The temperature, the flavor, the way it feels in my mouth, the reflexive muscles that carry the caffeine I need so much to the rest of my body, the heat of the cup as it transfers to my hands, small imperfections in the surface of the cup --everything.

In these early-morning moments, I am present and connected with myself, my life, my path, and my gods. I am connected fully to my home and the people who make my life what it is. I am connected to nature as I listen to the chatter of the birds and watch the squirrels dance across the yard while the wind gently rocks the trees. These are the moments that connect me in all the ways that matter.

What are the things that connect you?

Blessings,

Drakina

Post inspired by:
"The Altar of Your Life" http://feedly.com/k/17TXRqT

News from The Lair 4-21-13

We have just returned from another lovely weekend at Tiger & Bear's house where there always seems to be laughter and love, in abundance.

Friday night, we all stood around the kitchen island and got insanely wasted while we discussed everything from religion to breakfast foods after dining on the best sub I've ever had.

Saturday, Aunt Hippy & Uncle Boomhower came and helped us celebrate Draco's impending 40th birthday (tomorrow) while we chowed down on Tiger's fantastic cooking. Meatloaf, mashed potatoes, green beans, gravy, Aunt H's amazing deviled eggs, cornbread (with and without cracklins), pink salad (Draco's specialty) and divine from-scratch German chocolate cake. Oh.My.Goddess!

Today was full of last-minute packing, teary eyes, long hugs and a two hour drive back to where we stay through the week after being served one of my favorite breakfast foods in the world, along with biscuits and gravy. I'm not sure what to call it, but it involves potatoes, cheese, onions and is heavenly with ranch dressing!

They say home is where your heart is, and our hearts are two hours away, so it's getting harder and harder to call this place "home".

We talked on the ride back and we both agree that we're living weekend to weekend now. Home is where they are, to us.

Draco, as I mentioned, celebrates the big 4-0 tomorrow, but most of his day will be spent at work. It's a bummer, but for us to pay our bills and still go to Tiger & Bear's on the weekends, we need full checks.

Now, we're back. I'm getting a good soak in while I write and Draco is on his X-Box. The weekly grind begins again tomorrow but our day is done today. All we want now is a little dinner, hot coffee, the comfort of each other's company while we miss our family and our games.

Hope you all had a blessed weekend and I wish you all the best as we head into another week.

Until next time, Hatchlings...

Blessings,

Drakina