So, I haven't posted at this blog since May, right before my mom's birthday and I haven't posted over at the Wordpress blog in a week or two either. I had thought that once again, I was done blogging. I told myself I just don't have time to be a blogger, and really I don't, but...I still have a desire to write. Not for the masses, but for myself. For my husband, daughter and granddaughter. For my Chicklet. For the day when I'm gone and people want to feel some kind of connection to me.
See, since I've been gone from blogging, I almost died twice. I got pneumonia about 3 weeks ago now and my right lung nearly collapsed. Not a good thing when you have severe asthma. They admitted me to the hospital and told me it almost killed me. That I was literally drowning in mucus in my lung and had I waited much longer to go to the emergency room, and my lung had collapsed...well, lets just say that with asthma, that would have been very bad and I might not have had time to get to the emergency room before I stopped breathing completely.
Then, as part of the treatment for the pneumonia, they prescribed me steroids. Apparently I had a bad reaction to them because I started having heart palpitations and my blood pressure skyrocketed a week to the day after I'd been admitted for pneumonia. They said I nearly blew a valve in my heart and if I had done that, I could have been dead before I even hit the floor with a massive heart attack.
So, I've been thinking a lot about "when I'm gone" lately. I've been thinking about all the times since my mom passed so unexpectedly, that I wished there was a way I could hear her voice one more time. That I wished I could talk to her once more.
Well, blogging won't really help for hearing my voice, but in some ways, it might, because I write in my voice and my kids know it. I write the way I talk, or at least I try to, so maybe one day when I'm gone, one of my kids or Draco will get to missing me and they'll remember..."Hey, she was a blogger...I think I'll go read some of her old posts and feel close to her again".
With that said, if one of my husband, kids (or grand kids) is reading this, and I am gone, know that I love you and that I'm doing this for you and that even now, I'm thinking of you all as I write this.
So, I will be writing. I'm not going to set the blog to private and make them jump through a bunch of hoops with passwords and all that mess, but what I write, I'll be writing for myself, and for them. Not for the masses. If others want to read my words, that's awesome, but if not, that's OK too because I'm writing for them. They are my world. They are my everything. They are all that has ever really mattered to me and everything I've ever done, in some way, I've done for them.
Saturday, November 2, 2013
Labels: Draco, family, home, lessons learned, loss, loss and healing, love, my truths, parenting, The Puppet Master, the ties that bind
Draco|family|home|lessons learned|loss|loss and healing|love|my truths|parenting|The Puppet Master|the ties that bind|