#throwbackThursday Lapdragon Duchess

It's been nearly 2 years since the Puppet Master passed away.  Shortly before her passing, just after we moved in with B, our current roommate, for the first time, Chicklet called and said she thought she had a dog that would be a perfect fit for me, if I was interested.

Duchess 2012

She went on to explain that she was a Pug, as well as a rescue, and that the lady who had originally rescued her was sick and not doing well. She had many dogs, and they had simply become too much for her to handle. The Pug was one of many that she was looking to re-home, but it was her that my niece thought was meant for me.

To be honest, when I first mentioned it to Draco, he said no.  He said he didn't want a Pug.  I had personally never seen her, so I had no overwhelming reactions either way, but I did come home and start researching them online to find out what kind of needs and issues they were prone to have.  I made plans to "go look at her" the next day with no real hope of bringing her home.

Research showed that Pugs are actually bred down from Bull Mastiffs.  They are prone to breathing issues because of their squashed faces and don't deal with extreme temperatures at all.

Honestly, they were adorable, but seemed like a high maintenance breed.

Duchess late 2012

On the way over there, I honestly didn't think we'd come home with a dog that day, so when we got there, I sent Draco to look at her because I didn't want to want her and Draco say no.

When he came back carrying a small brown bundle and said, "I got my dog...where's your dog?"  I have to admit, I was a little surprised.

The dog we brought home that day and the one currently posted in my lap, don't seem like the same dogs now.  When we got her, she was very skittish and shy.  Quiet and unsure of herself and her place in our lives. She didn't play and rarely made a sound.

The Duchess you would meet if you saw us today is rambunctious, noisy and loves to play.  She "talks" when she wants something and even manages to make some sounds that suspiciously sound like "Mama" and "I love you".  You will most often find her in my lap or at my heels as I move through the house.

She loves to ride in the car with us, is good on long trips, and loves to give kisses.  When she gets excited, she wags her tail so hard that her whole back-end looks like it's gonna come off.

She never meets a stranger and loves attention from anyone she can convince to give it to her.

Duchess 2013

She is my faithful and constant companion and neither of us can bear to be separated for long.  She's my Duchy, my love and my best friend and I can't imagine life without her although I know that one day she will make her journey across the Rainbow Bridge to wait for me.

In so many ways, she is like a child to me.  I was suffering when I got her.  Witchlet had left home and in a sense, I had left home again myself after two years of caring for my parents (or trying to anyway).  My mother was dying and I knew it and Draco had just taken his old job back working out of town.  She was my comfort in those long, lonely nights and in the weeks after Puppet Master died, it was her I held when I was wracked with grief that I couldn't express.  It was into her ear that I whispered my pain and fears.

When I finally was able to let go and grieve, we were home alone and it was her that laid in the kitchen floor next to me as I cried out 6 months of pain and grief.  It was her that licked the tears from my face and laid her head across my neck for hours, refusing to leave my side for anything.

Yes, Duchess is my heart and I love her dearly.  She came to me at a time when I sorely needed a companion that could always be there and she has been that and much, much more.

As I type this, she is in her usual place, laying across my thigh snoring, content with her world, and because of her, I am content with mine.

Blessings,

Holidays

Thanksgiving Dinner (Photo credit: chuckwaters83)

I see it's been a little over a month since the last time I posted here.  I figured I better get to work on changing that.

I'm still having time-management issues.  I discussed with Draco this morning how overwhelmed I often feel and he says he's going to start helping more.

I changed schools, kind of spur-of-the-moment last week.  I think I like the one I'm using now a lot better.  I'll let you know how I feel as time goes on.  I started going to the Magical Circle School and I'm actually really excited about it.  I like the way the school is put together a lot better than the other one.

I did get ordained the first part of the week as a non-denominational minister (Reverend) and I've been pretty excited about getting that part of things done.  I will still be moving through the degree program with the school I joined this week, but that is a process that will take years to complete.

I managed to pull off a Thanksgiving dinner for 12 on the spur of the moment and we have our dinner with the kids planned for the 21st, which gives me 2 weeks to pull that one together.

The holidays will be a little skimpy this year, but it's a rough year financially and I think Draco and I have developed a better game-plan for pulling them off next year.

Things have been stressful, but we're managing to maneuver our way through the holidays.

How are you surviving the holidays?

Blessings,
Fae

Reconsidering

So, I haven't posted at this blog since May, right before my mom's birthday and I haven't posted over at the Wordpress blog in a week or two either.  I had thought that once again, I was done blogging.  I told myself I just don't have time to be a blogger, and really I don't, but...I still have a desire to write.  Not for the masses, but for myself.  For my husband, daughter and granddaughter.  For my Chicklet.  For the day when I'm gone and people want to feel some kind of connection to me.

See, since I've been gone from blogging, I almost died twice.  I got pneumonia about 3 weeks ago now and my right lung nearly collapsed.  Not a good thing when you have severe asthma.  They admitted me to the hospital and told me it almost killed me.  That I was literally drowning in mucus in my lung and had I waited much longer to go to the emergency room, and my lung had collapsed...well, lets just say that with asthma, that would have been very bad and I might not have had time to get to the emergency room before I stopped breathing completely.

Then, as part of the treatment for the pneumonia, they prescribed me steroids.  Apparently I had a bad reaction to them because I started having heart palpitations and my blood pressure skyrocketed a week to the day after I'd been admitted for pneumonia.  They said I nearly blew a valve in my heart and if I had done that, I could have been dead before I even hit the floor with a massive heart attack.

So, I've been thinking a lot about "when I'm gone" lately.  I've been thinking about all the times since my mom passed so unexpectedly, that I wished there was a way I could hear her voice one more time.  That I wished I could talk to her once more.

Well, blogging won't really help for hearing my voice, but in some ways, it might, because I write in my voice and my kids know it.  I write the way I talk, or at least I try to, so maybe one day when I'm gone, one of my kids or Draco will get to missing me and they'll remember..."Hey, she was a blogger...I think I'll go read some of her old posts and feel close to her again".

With that said, if one of my husband, kids (or grand kids) is reading this, and I am gone, know that I love you and that I'm doing this for you and that even now, I'm thinking of you all as I write this.

So, I will be writing.  I'm not going to set the blog to private and make them jump through a bunch of hoops with passwords and all that mess, but what I write, I'll be writing for myself, and for them.  Not for the masses.  If others want to read my words, that's awesome, but if not, that's OK too because I'm writing for them.  They are my world.  They are my everything.  They are all that has ever really mattered to me and everything I've ever done, in some way, I've done for them.

Blessings,
Fae

Sharing Grief

Last night was rough. I spent the end of my evening helping my sister-cousin, Tiger, try to wade through the over-whelming grief and anger that comes with loosing a fur-child.

Although little Noel's life was peppered with health issues that the vet could not identify, we all believed that she was trying to get better. She had not been feeling well the last few days, but that was not uncommon. Her health tended to see-saw so much that we had all come to accept it as part of her life. Not knowing what was wrong with her gave us all a false sense of hope that, one day, she might recover and live a normal life.

Even with her health issues, her passing last night seemed so sudden and unexpected to us all, but especially to Tiger.

Tiger was wracked with the grief and guilt that only a fur-mom can know and I know from my own experiences with loosing fur-kids, that there really isn't anything anyone can say or do to lessen the hold grief wraps around your heart like a vice.  All I could do was try to hold my own grief in check and be a comforting voice on the other end of a too far away phone call.

My heart ached as I listened to one of the most important people in my life try to give voice to the pain that consumed her. My Tiger, so strong, yet with the unbridled heart of a child when it comes to what she loves and values.

As an empath, feeling the emotions of others is something I struggle to avoid most days, but with Tiger, as with Draco and Witchlet, those boundaries do not exist. I have no walls to separate me from them because I refuse to allow them.

Being 2 hours away on a work night, I could not offer her the small comfort my presence may have given her. I could not reach her to hold her with my arms, so I held her the only way I could -- with my heart.

As I let her grief and pain wash over my soul, I knew I was giving her a gift only I could offer her, sharing her grief. Her pain became my pain, her heart to my heart. A bond I share with precious few. I could almost feel our souls connect over the miles that separated us.

I know that this small act on my part did not, and cannot, lessen her pain. Nothing can.

They say that time heals all wounds, but that is not true. I still ache to hold my lost fur-children. My heart is still littered with raw spots that their passings have left, like tiny paw-prints on my heart. I know that the loss of Noel will leave those tiny paw-prints on Tiger's heart as well.

While my gift last night cannot take away her pain, I hope that it at least made the darkness she wandered in a little less lonely, a little less frightening because I know the darkness that grief can cast on your soul. I know the devastation of loss.

Sometimes, there are no words we can offer to those in pain. People often try to fill the silence with empty words and platitudes. Their intentions are good, but sometimes the only thing we truly have to offer another in their moments of grief is our heart and someone to share the pain.

While Tiger made the trip to lay her fur-child to rest, I laid my head in Draco's lap and tried to release my own grief. I had gotten attached to Noel over the many weekends we've spent at their house and looked on her and her fur-sister, Raven, as my nieces. They are Tiger's children in her heart and could be no less in mine.

As I once again light candles this morning, I am grateful that our little Noel no longer feels the pain her body suffered and I hope the light from her candle will lead her safely on to The Rainbow Bridge where she will wait with Tiger's other lost fur-children until they are reunited once more.

I will also light candles for Tiger for the strength she will need in the coming days as she struggles to deal with her loss, for strength for Bear as he tries to offer what comfort he can to the woman he loves as he deals with his own loss. For Aunt Hippy and Uncle Boomhower, who rushed to her side to offer what comfort they could and for myself and Draco while we try to help in whatever ways we can.

My candles are but small dots of light in the darkness Noel's passing has left, but they are lights just the same and I believe with all my heart that Noel can see those lights and knows that we are grieving and that in our grief, she was loved.

Rest easy now, Miss Noel, your family loves you.

With love,

Auntie