TGIF (late): Following by example

Thank God It's Friday (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

There's this blog I read, Witchy Rambles.  I get it in my inbox whenever Cin makes a new post.  I honestly can't recall if I've ever commented on anything there, or her FB page, but I do pause to read them when they come to my inbox.

It's 2:30 am where I am right now, and really, I suppose I should be getting ready to curl up in bed next to Draco, but we just got home from Witchlet's and although we're both tired, neither of us seem quite ready for bed yet, so I started going through my email and found the post Cin did today.  You can find it here, TGIF: Simple things.

Even though it is technically Saturday, not Friday, and most of the people who read this will see it later in the day, I was so moved by her post, that I decided I just had to jump on board because it is such a lovely idea.  It's not a "sign up for blogger meme" or anything like that, just something she decided to do, but I believe that it would make a wonderful meme if she ever decided to make it one.

So many times, we get caught up in the hustle and bustle of modern life, that we tend to forget to be grateful for our blessings, both great and small, and although I mentioned in a previous post that I don't make New Year's Resolutions anymore, and "Attitude of Gratitude" was one of the things I wanted to work towards this year.

You see, I can tend to be a bit of a pessimist when life gets complicated.  I get overwhelmed and it seems like everything around me is doom and gloom and all I see is the bad.  A lot of my life experiences have been negative, so I find that when I write about my past, and occasionally about my present, it's in an attitude of complaint over the things that are not going well.  Cin's post inspired me to look closer at my life in an effort to try to focus, at least one day a week, on remembering the positive things in my life, and being grateful for them.

After all, the energy we put out there is the same energy we pull to us, right?

So, on Fridays, I want to start doing a post like what Cin is doing over on her blog.  In the spirit of gratitude, here is my TGIF post for this week.  Remember, you can find the post that inspired mine over at Witchy Rambles.

At this moment, I'm grateful to my sister of the heart @TimberLeaves, for introducing me to blogging many years ago when it was still in its infancy.  Because of her, I have owned several blogs, one of which at one time held some popularity and interaction regularly, and I have "met" some amazing and inspiring people via their blogs.  I have come to respect writing in a way school never taught me, by being part of the Bloggerverse, and although it's been an experience littered with joy as well as pain, it's one I would trade.

I am thankful that because of blogging, I have a voice and an outlet in the world.  I haven't been using it the way I always wanted and meant to, but I think that with this new-found gratitude, that may very well change.

I am thankful for my husband, who is always there when I need him, who always manages to come through for us somehow, even when it doesn't look promising.  He works hard to take care of us, and because of him, I am free to sit at home and be a wife, mother, sister, aunt, friend and blogger.

I'm grateful that I posses skill in the kitchen and can still pull off a from-scratch homemade dinner like I did tonight (recipes to start to be posted as soon as I get my new blogging schedule worked out).

I'm grateful for my family and the people who love and accept me unconditionally, even if they don't always agree with me.

For the heart-to-heart Witchlet and I had tonight that seemed to bond our relationship even closer as we finally were able to relate to each other as mutual parents.

I am also so very grateful for my granddaughter.  I got to spend some time enjoying the feeling of her moving tonight.  It is a truly humbling experience to feel the stirrings of a new life inside the the life I created.  It's a feeling that leaves me at a loss for words because it touches my soul so deeply.  Watching the growth of my daughter's stomach as my grandchild has grown inside her has given me such a profound experience as a mother.

I'm thankful for late-night foot rubs, hot baths that smell of roses and gentle whispers in the dark.  I'm grateful for a glass of good wine at the end of a long day and the exhausted satisfaction of a clean house.

I'm thankful for the future and all the promise it seems to hold, even if I have gotten somewhat impatient waiting for everything to come together.  I have high hopes for our transition into the RV and am looking forward to learning a new type of lifestyle that I think will be satisfying in so many ways.

I am thankful for the guidance of the Goddess in my life.  For the times she has challenged me, rewarded me, and punished me.  In every challenge, regardless of if I passed or failed, I learned something valuable about myself, my relationships, my family and the world around me.  Under her not always gentle hand, I continue to learn and grow.

I'm thankful for finally being able to realize fully that my life, and my path, are truly my own.  I have often been overcome with guilt thinking I'm not doing this or that right because of someone else's views or opinions and I am learning to overcome that obstacle to personal happiness.  I cannot live my life for others and those that ask or expect me to, don't truly care about my happiness and I'm starting to weed that type of people from my life.

As for my path, it is mine alone to walk.  There are no set boundaries, rules or guidelines to what is "right" or "proper" for the way I celebrate my spirituality.  That is between me and my Gods and no one else.  It's ok to be me, and to do things my own way.  That has been a hard-learned lesson, and I'm grateful that I'm finally starting to get it.

To be quite honest, the last few months have been particularly stressful in so many ways and for so many reasons.  There has not been much gratitude in my attitude lately, and today was not a great day for me for a number of reasons, but sitting here, thinking over the things that I do have to be grateful for seems to have lifted a weight I didn't realize I was carrying until tonight.  I think I could even get used to this whole "To Blessed to Be Stressed" attitude eventually.  ;)

This is a weekly post that I believe I will find myself looking forward to immensely and again, I'm so very grateful to Cin from Witchy Rambles for her post today that inspired me to write this one.  Make sure to stop by and give her a visit.

What's normal? Loving more than one

Some of you may wonder what made me decide to share this piece of my past hot on the heels of the holidays, and there are two reasons. The first is a promise I made to Witchlet.  I promised her that one day, I would sit down and begin to blog about my life and my past so that some day, she could sit down and read it and come to know the woman behind the mother.

The second reason, is that it was during the holidays that fateful year that I endured this pain, and survived it. It was during the holidays that someone I should have hated, became very important in my life in a very complicated way and during the holidays, my mind always turns to him, her and us...

Some years ago, Draco and I went through a really horrible time in our relationship.  It was so bad, in fact, that it very nearly split us up, more than once, over the course of several years.

We're okay now, and have been for a long time, but it was a bad time for us then.

All the major issues that can break down a relationship were present.  Money issues, trust issues, a feeling of being disrespected, unhappiness, depression and stress in general were all factors in it from both sides.


We had drifted apart in so many ways after 15 years together.  We'd raised Witchlet, who was 16 at the time, and woke up one day to realize that we had grown so far apart as we each focused on jobs, raising children, paying bills and all of the things that come with an adult life, that we'd lost sight of each other.

It was a horrible time, one in which we both turned to other people, in our own ways, instead of each other.

For a while, it seemed that the fighting and hurt would never end.  It got so bad that on Christmas Day that year, I actually spiked the Christmas tree in the middle of the living room floor and broke nearly all our ornaments that we'd collected over the years.  I was devastated and angry, but honestly, I was mostly just plain scared and confused.

Draco and I got together when I was 20 and he was 22.  I already had one failed marriage (Witchlet's biological father) and was terrified of having another.  All I had ever known, really, was being a wife and a mom and the thought of loosing Draco, in spite of our issues, was terrifying to me.

There were a lot of fights, tears and sleepless nights, that finally gave way to talking, more tears and more sleepless nights.

There were nights we slept as far as away from each other as we could possibly get, both of us afraid to reach out to the other, even in the darkness of the bed we had shared for so many years.

It can be devastating to realize that someone you love more than nearly anything, is a stranger to you.  To suddenly learn things that can make them seem like they were never who you thought they were.  To sit and watch as your life, your hopes and your dreams crumble at your feet.

I won't lie.  For a while, I thought that it was all over but the packing.  I think he did, too, and the other person in our lives at the time certainly thought it was.

What began to happen in the aftermath of this situation was shocking to all of us, but probably the most to me.  Somehow, I began to bond with the other person involved and we became involved as well.  Even all these years later, I sit and shake my head at how it all happened the way it did and I honestly have no real explanation for it.  I don't think any of us really do, even now.

She still floats in and out of our lives.  This time last year, it had just ended once again between the 3 of us as she struggled with addiction and yet another failing relationship, then, as she is prone to do, she dropped off the radar again.

In spite of the pain she initially brought into my life, she also brought gifts.  I learned so much about myself over the course of the few years after it all happened.  I discovered I was stronger, and weaker, than I'd thought.  I discovered that Draco and I really could overcome anything.  I discovered just how important him, and our relationship is to me.

I also discovered that there is room in my heart to love more than one person at a time, which was something I never expected.  I was raised to believe that monogamy was the only right answer and that relationships
were between 2 people, and two people only.  I discovered that although that concept may be completely accurate for some, it's not for everyone.

I discovered a lot about my mate as well.  That he also has room in his heart to love more than one person and that his love for another does not diminish his love for me, among other things.

Through her, Draco and I discovered each other once again and we both realized that without help or interference, what we had, would have died anyway.  The situation we endured taught us to reach for each other, especially when the nights seem the darkest and longest.

We discovered that together, we could reach for anything as long as we had good communication, and we have achieved more in the years since then than we ever did before.

Gone are the nights of sitting up all night fighting over petty things that don't matter because we know how hard it can truly be.  We have watched our relationship reduced to ashes and stood looking at each other over the rubble that was left and we've worked hard to rebuild it since then.

Am I saying that everyone who experiences what I did should forgive?  No, I'm not.  I believe that those types of decisions should be based solely on the people involved and the relationship in question.

In the years since it all happened, I have had more than one person question my sanity in even attempting to forgive what happened, much less to rebuild our relationship with Witchlet as old as she was, and although Draco and I believe we owe no explanations for our choices in our relationship, we have occasionally offered them to people that mattered to us in an effort to have them understand.  It's been our personal experience though that although some have accepted it for what it is, very few seem to truly understand.

I was called out recently about our relationship status on our personal Facebook profiles, which is listed as "It's Complicated", and to us, it very much is.  Most people who know that I am bisexual and that Draco and I have a semi-open relationship, that at one time included what amounted to as a girlfriend that we shared for a time, don't understand and putting our relationship into terms that others understand, is complicated.

Even to us, the dynamics of our relationship seems complicated.  We have different views on what constitutes a "healthy relationship" than most of the world and we find ourselves rarely discussing it with anyone for that very reason.  How do you explain to people in "traditional relationships" that we can sit together now and talk of her and freely admit to each other that we still love and miss her, even though we have accepted that she will probably never be a permanent part of our lives?

In truth, I suppose very little of our relationship or life choices seems "normal" to "normal people".  Pagans generally seem to have a broader idea of relationships than most and usually require less hand-holding about ideas like polygamy or the concept of loving more than one person at the same time or open relationships.

It's been our belief in the years since those awful nights of fighting, that love is whatever you think it is, and can encompass as few, or as many, people as is comfortable for those involved.  As long as everyone is on the same page and no one is getting hurt, then it's up to the people involved to define what a "relationship" or even a domestic partnership, entails.

For us?  I won't lie.  We miss her every day and I'm not sure either of us will ever feel our relationship is complete without her, but we've adjusted to her absence.  We considered, some years ago, the possibility of someone else and neither of us were truly interested.  Perhaps one day, we will meet someone else that we come to feel that way about again, but we're not "looking".  For now, we prefer to share our lives with each other and share our feelings and memories about what we believe could have been if things had worked out differently.

I don't know where she is today, or how she is, but it is our hope that wherever she is, she happy and living her life in a way that makes her happy, but there is also that little part of us, the part that misses her, that hopes, especially as the Christmas lights twinkle and the wind blows cold, that she thinks of us...and smiles...

Blessings,

RV Living

I mentioned yesterday that Draco and I were looking into buying an RV.  It would seem that we may have found the one we'll end up with.  Chicklet has a best friend that found themselves in possession of one during a hard time in their lives last summer.  They have a 25 foot pull-behind camper and now that they have moved past that hard time, they have had the camper sitting in their front yard for several months gathering dust and leaves.

I messaged her yesterday (we're also Facebook friends via our connection with Chicklet) and asked her, on the off chance, if they had any intention of selling the RV.  Turns out they do, and they're only looking at getting a grand out of it.

After talking to my Aunt, who is a landlord and has owned several campers herself, she told me that even if we had to completely gut and remodel the RV to suit us, that we weren't going to find a 25 foot camper for that price anywhere else and it was her opinion that if we were going to purchase one, that we jump on that deal.  A phone call gave me a heads up on what all she knows is wrong with it (there were some things they just never used, like the stove or heating system) and pretty much sealed the deal that we will be buying it.

Last night, I got on Google and found a really nice RV park that's only about 20 minutes from where Tiger lives, which means it's about 20 minutes from the job we are hoping Draco will be getting as well.  Considering his job now is about 20 minutes from where we currently live, I'd say that's not too bad.

The site will cost us about $300/month with metered utilities, but with a camper that runs on propane for most things, and it just being the 2 of us, I don't see the power getting that bad.  Internet is $10/month and accessible from every site and there is a $50 deposit on the power, paid to the park itself.  They even have laundry facilities, although Tiger has a washer and dryer I could use, so I don't see needing that service.  They even offer a propane fill service.  You put your tank by the road, they pick it up, fill it, and bring it back to you. 

So, our bills there will actually stay around what we are paying here, but with more income to pay them, and the job won't be weather conditional.

Honestly, I'm looking forward to this in a lot of ways.  RV's have their own maintenance, but we'd be looking at that if we were buying a house or a mobile home, and honestly, I think it'll be a lot less maintenance in the long run.  I know that it'll be a lot of work in the beginning, but even if we decided later to do something else, this is something that will belong to us, that no one will ever be able to take away from us.

Baby Bump 1 (Photo credit: faemoon)

I mentioned this morning that we could always hitch it up and bring it down here for the weekend if we wanted to and Draco said no.  He said that when we come down, it'll either be for the day, or whoever wants us to stay can give us somewhere to stay while we're here.  Otherwise, we'll go home.  He said that our kids are grown and living their own lives, making their own choices, that don't have anything to do with us.  That is as it should be, but he said that now that they are, it's time for us to do the same.

He's right, and I know it.  We have lived our entire relationship for our kids.  Everything we've ever done has first had to pass thorough the filter of how it was going to effect our kids.  That was as it should be at the time, but that time has passed.

The truth is, he's 40 and I'm heading closer and closer to it.  We've never really lived just for us.

I look at Witchlet and her life and there are so many things she's doing right now that I wish were different, but the truth is, she's grown now and I can't control her life or the choices she makes.  I will always love her and I will always be there for her to call me if she needs a shoulder, but she is going to have to learn to live with the choices she's making, for good or bad.

I feel like I have spent 20 years competing with my ex's family, especially his mother.  Her relationship with Witchlet is toxic, and always has been, and I've expressed my concerns to Witchlet over and over, including my concerns where Little Witchlet is concerned, but she's not hearing me.  Again, I suppose this is a lesson she's going to have to learn the hard way.

I know that for myself, I can't deal with them any longer and with the upcoming birth of Little Witchlet, and Witchlet's inability to remove them from her life, that it's going to be the same thing all over again with the baby.  I thought if I came back here that maybe I could be there for Witchlet in some way that I wasn't before and she wouldn't feel the need for them anymore, but that's not how things have gone.  No matter what I've done, or how much I've done, she still goes over there everyday.  I can't stop her and it's time I stopped trying.

I suppose every parent goes through something like this.  Even as adults, we want to protect our children, especially from the things that hurt us when we were raising them, but the truth is, Witchlet is going to make her choices and there's nothing I can do.

In other news, Spirit nearly broke my arm last night.  She has a thing for my roommate's cats and she tried to dart after them with me holding her leash and it caused my arm to hit the porch post and almost snapped it at the elbow.  I've got more use of it so far today than I thought I would, but it sore and it hurts, so I'm going to call this one a day and go.  I have 3 days worth of meditation journaling I have to do for school and life has been so busy that I even let last night's full moon get away from me.

Blessings,
Fae Moon

Holidays

Thanksgiving Dinner (Photo credit: chuckwaters83)

I see it's been a little over a month since the last time I posted here.  I figured I better get to work on changing that.

I'm still having time-management issues.  I discussed with Draco this morning how overwhelmed I often feel and he says he's going to start helping more.

I changed schools, kind of spur-of-the-moment last week.  I think I like the one I'm using now a lot better.  I'll let you know how I feel as time goes on.  I started going to the Magical Circle School and I'm actually really excited about it.  I like the way the school is put together a lot better than the other one.

I did get ordained the first part of the week as a non-denominational minister (Reverend) and I've been pretty excited about getting that part of things done.  I will still be moving through the degree program with the school I joined this week, but that is a process that will take years to complete.

I managed to pull off a Thanksgiving dinner for 12 on the spur of the moment and we have our dinner with the kids planned for the 21st, which gives me 2 weeks to pull that one together.

The holidays will be a little skimpy this year, but it's a rough year financially and I think Draco and I have developed a better game-plan for pulling them off next year.

Things have been stressful, but we're managing to maneuver our way through the holidays.

How are you surviving the holidays?

Blessings,
Fae

Life Choices

So today, I saw this picture posted by KARMA: What Goes Around Comes Around and it really made me think.  I mean, doesn't it seem profoundly true in so many ways?  How many times have you thought you had it all worked out and suddenly realized that although you thought you had it all worked out, suddenly the answer didn't seem to make sense anymore?

I know I seem to have had a heaping dose of that lately myself.

In truth, I think it's just that I'm in an uncomfortable place in my life right now.  All the news I received from the hospital while I was sick, although it was information that I needed to have, it left me in a bit of a predicament.

You see, although I felt largely unfulfilled some days, I wasn't really what I would call unhappy with my life.  I had my bad habits like everyone else (smoking and drinking way too much caffeine), but I reasoned those away with how I could definitely have much worse habits ("I mean...it's not like I'm a real drug addict or anything...").

My time at the hospital told me that no matter how I tried to make my habits seem reasonable, that they were still killing me.

English: Caffeine Free Coca-Cola (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Since leaving the hospital, I've almost completely given up caffeine, something I honestly never thought I'd do.  My life is fueled on coffee and giving it up has been hard.  I haven't completely quit, but I have been considering buying some decaf instant and seeing if I can fool myself with it the same way I have with Caffeine-free soda.

The other thing is that in replacement of all the caffeine-rich drinks I was having, I've switched over to drinking juice some.  Me, drinking juice...those that know me personally could tell you that's something they never thought they'd see.

The next thing is smoking.  For the last 2 days, I've been trying to smoke some on an e-cigarette and cut back on how many real cigarettes I'm smoking.  Draco and I have spent the morning looking over various websites and brands, comparing prices for starter kits and refills.  I'm very curious about the flavored ones.  I have found a site that carries coffee, vanilla and cherry (well, they carry more than that, but those are the ones I'm looking at).  I thought about contacting them and asking them if they'd let me do a product review, but I really don't have enough traffic here to interest anyone for something like that.

I think we finally settled on the Victory Electronic Cigarette.  The tobacco store close to our house has the starter kits for $25 and Draco and I are both considering getting one.

At first, he wasn't going to quit smoking with me, but after we talked last night, I think he's changed his mind and is looking forward to giving it a try himself.  I'm really excited about the coffee flavored one.

This week, I'm also going to some decaf coffee.  See if I can make my brain believe it's getting what it wants without the added crap that will put me on dialysis for the rest of my life.

OK, so I'm having to use some little tricks and lies on myself.  I'm sure there are those out there that say it's just as wrong as bribing a child to get it to do what you want it to do, but I say it's more along the lines of positive reinforcement...and besides, if caffeine and smoking are really so bad for me (and I believe they are), who gives a crap how I have to go about getting off of them, just so long as I do?

Have you had to detox bad habits from your life?  What did you give up and how?

Blessings,

Fae Moon

Related articles

• What Are Electronic Cigarettes and How Safe Are They?
• E Cigarette Forever Using These Very Recommendations
• Saying Bye To Caffeine

Reconsidering

So, I haven't posted at this blog since May, right before my mom's birthday and I haven't posted over at the Wordpress blog in a week or two either.  I had thought that once again, I was done blogging.  I told myself I just don't have time to be a blogger, and really I don't, but...I still have a desire to write.  Not for the masses, but for myself.  For my husband, daughter and granddaughter.  For my Chicklet.  For the day when I'm gone and people want to feel some kind of connection to me.

See, since I've been gone from blogging, I almost died twice.  I got pneumonia about 3 weeks ago now and my right lung nearly collapsed.  Not a good thing when you have severe asthma.  They admitted me to the hospital and told me it almost killed me.  That I was literally drowning in mucus in my lung and had I waited much longer to go to the emergency room, and my lung had collapsed...well, lets just say that with asthma, that would have been very bad and I might not have had time to get to the emergency room before I stopped breathing completely.

Then, as part of the treatment for the pneumonia, they prescribed me steroids.  Apparently I had a bad reaction to them because I started having heart palpitations and my blood pressure skyrocketed a week to the day after I'd been admitted for pneumonia.  They said I nearly blew a valve in my heart and if I had done that, I could have been dead before I even hit the floor with a massive heart attack.

So, I've been thinking a lot about "when I'm gone" lately.  I've been thinking about all the times since my mom passed so unexpectedly, that I wished there was a way I could hear her voice one more time.  That I wished I could talk to her once more.

Well, blogging won't really help for hearing my voice, but in some ways, it might, because I write in my voice and my kids know it.  I write the way I talk, or at least I try to, so maybe one day when I'm gone, one of my kids or Draco will get to missing me and they'll remember..."Hey, she was a blogger...I think I'll go read some of her old posts and feel close to her again".

With that said, if one of my husband, kids (or grand kids) is reading this, and I am gone, know that I love you and that I'm doing this for you and that even now, I'm thinking of you all as I write this.

So, I will be writing.  I'm not going to set the blog to private and make them jump through a bunch of hoops with passwords and all that mess, but what I write, I'll be writing for myself, and for them.  Not for the masses.  If others want to read my words, that's awesome, but if not, that's OK too because I'm writing for them.  They are my world.  They are my everything.  They are all that has ever really mattered to me and everything I've ever done, in some way, I've done for them.

Blessings,
Fae

Surprises

I began a wonderful introductory post that I'd intended to be my first entry on my new blog, introducing myself and the members of the Lair, but yesterday brought me some unexpected gifts and I just had to share. I figured since this blog was about family, and what happened yesterday was very much about family, that the introduction could wait one more day.

I awoke yesterday morning when Draco's alarm went off at 5:30 am. Technically, I don't have to get up that early, but as anyone who knows me well can tell you, I'm not actually much of a morning person and if I don't get up earlier than necessary, and take a moment to get woke up before I get up, well, let's just say I've been known to walk into walls.

I live my life with my phone in my hand. Between texting, blogging, social media and occasional phone calls, I stay pretty busy. Like most of the world these days, my phone is practically an extension of my arm. So, in those idle moments as I'm waking up, I generally check my Facebook.

This morning, I woke to find a private message on the Fanpage for the blog I'm in the process of closing. It was odd on its own because it was the first such message I've ever received on a Fanpage. Curiosity took over. Many things flashed through my mind, including Trolls, since my blog and Fanpage were both Pagan in nature. I've yet to be Trolled, but figured there was a first time for everything.

I switched to my Page Manager App and pulled up the message. What I found was more surprising than Trolls.

What I found was a message from Tiger.

Let me explain.

Around the age of 2 or 3, The Puppet Master (my mom) married my first step-father, Teddy (he reminded me of a live Teddy Bear when I was a child, so I can think of nothing better, or more fitting, to call him for the sake of my family's privacy). He had no children of his own at the time, but he did have a niece that lived with his mother that he was extremely attached to.

As the story goes, PM and Teddy originally intended to get custody of us both and raise us as sisters. For the brief time they were married, weekends generally included us both (they didn't have custody of either of us at the time) and we were encouraged to see one another, not as cousins, but as sisters.

Divorce, of course, does horrible things to people, and as a result, we were torn apart.

When I agreed to marry The Ass, my 1st husband, and began planning my wedding, I was adamant that even though my current step-father would walk me down the isle, I wanted Teddy to be there.

PM quietly began searching. The person she found first was my long-lost would-have-been sister, Tiger (she has the spirit of a Tiger).

The reunion between us was pure joy and we were very close again immediately. She was there through my entire pregnancy with Witchlet and is one of her 2 god-mothers (the other being @TimberLeaves who also loves her dearly but lives so very far away).

Unfortunately, we were both very young and the stress from my divorce from The Ass tore us apart again.

Over the years, we've drifted in and out of each others lives but we were so focused on trying to recapture the past, and experienced so much interference from PM combined with the general stress people who are so much alike, yet vastly different, can go through that we couldn't seem to hold it together in spite of the fact that we love each other so much.

Honestly, I think we both had lessons to learn. We are both prone to loving with a fierceness that borders on obsession, over-protective-ness and posessive-ness. But, loving hard, and loving unconditionally, are two very different things. It's hard to love as hard as we do without conditions or expectations of the people we love (and we have high expectations of ourselves as well). I've personally learned over the years that even though I love hard, I had to let go of expecting people to fit in the little boxes I tried to cram them in and I was guilty of this with Tiger.

To truly love is to love people for who they are, not who we'd like for them to be.

Even though the "official" reasons for our separation were much different, I feel that unrealistic expectations of each other, and ourselves, played a big part in things. While we were busy expecting so much from each other and our relationship, we failed to accept, understand and respect each other for the beautiful, strong women we truly are.

For the sake of honesty and the fullest disclosure I'm willing to share here, I was also a very needy young woman. My need of the love Tiger offered me caused me to spend more time trying to please and win her approval, not seeing at the time that she could never accept me the way I needed if I wasn't willing to stand before her, heart and soul laid bare, and say "this is me. This is my life. Accept me for who I really am, not who I try to be for you, or walk away".

There is a fear in us all, I think, to let people we truly love, see us in our entirety. All of us wear masks from time to time, especially when we are young. It is the fear of laying ourselves bare for close inspection and being found lacking or undeserving of the love we need so badly that keeps us hiding behind those masks.

For me, it was also about the way PM raised me. I learned at an early age that I had been closely inspected by her and had been found undeserving of her love and affection. I spent nearly 40 years contorting myself into whatever I thought she wanted trying to gain an approval she denied me, even on her death-bed.

With her passing, I swore to myself as I stood by her hospital bed for the last time, that I would never again hide behind a mask for anyone's love or approval.

As Tiger and I talked yesterday, she began to see me, I think, for the first time. I spoke openly of my life, offering no excuses or apologies for who or what I am or for the life I've chosen. In truth, I am happy with my life, and because of that fact, there should be no shame, no hiding.

We talked most of the day. Sometimes our topics were serious, often they were not, and the entire experience, for me at least, was punctuated with many smiles and the endless laughter and bantering that has been so common in our relationship.

I realize, with much regret, that I did Tiger a disservice for years by assuming that she didn't love me enough to love the real me. In truth, where I live, how I live, etc, should not matter. What should matter is that I love her endlessly and completely and that she loves me the same way.

Tiger, I know you will eventually read this, so I offer this to you in closing. I love you, my sister. I'm sorry for the years I hid the real me from you and I promise that I will never do that again. 

I love you in your perfection, as well as your imperfection. I love you for all that you are, all you have ever been, all you ever will be. I love you without judgment, without hesitation, without reservation and without conditions. I love you for all the things you aren't and never will be but most of all, I love you for everything you are, and always have been, to me. Love...Me

Never forget that family is the most important thing in the world, gentle readers. Love those that love you back like there is no tomorrow because tomorrow is never promised.

Blessings from The Lair,

Drakina