TGIF (late): Following by example

Thank God It's Friday (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

There's this blog I read, Witchy Rambles.  I get it in my inbox whenever Cin makes a new post.  I honestly can't recall if I've ever commented on anything there, or her FB page, but I do pause to read them when they come to my inbox.

It's 2:30 am where I am right now, and really, I suppose I should be getting ready to curl up in bed next to Draco, but we just got home from Witchlet's and although we're both tired, neither of us seem quite ready for bed yet, so I started going through my email and found the post Cin did today.  You can find it here, TGIF: Simple things.

Even though it is technically Saturday, not Friday, and most of the people who read this will see it later in the day, I was so moved by her post, that I decided I just had to jump on board because it is such a lovely idea.  It's not a "sign up for blogger meme" or anything like that, just something she decided to do, but I believe that it would make a wonderful meme if she ever decided to make it one.

So many times, we get caught up in the hustle and bustle of modern life, that we tend to forget to be grateful for our blessings, both great and small, and although I mentioned in a previous post that I don't make New Year's Resolutions anymore, and "Attitude of Gratitude" was one of the things I wanted to work towards this year.

You see, I can tend to be a bit of a pessimist when life gets complicated.  I get overwhelmed and it seems like everything around me is doom and gloom and all I see is the bad.  A lot of my life experiences have been negative, so I find that when I write about my past, and occasionally about my present, it's in an attitude of complaint over the things that are not going well.  Cin's post inspired me to look closer at my life in an effort to try to focus, at least one day a week, on remembering the positive things in my life, and being grateful for them.

After all, the energy we put out there is the same energy we pull to us, right?

So, on Fridays, I want to start doing a post like what Cin is doing over on her blog.  In the spirit of gratitude, here is my TGIF post for this week.  Remember, you can find the post that inspired mine over at Witchy Rambles.

At this moment, I'm grateful to my sister of the heart @TimberLeaves, for introducing me to blogging many years ago when it was still in its infancy.  Because of her, I have owned several blogs, one of which at one time held some popularity and interaction regularly, and I have "met" some amazing and inspiring people via their blogs.  I have come to respect writing in a way school never taught me, by being part of the Bloggerverse, and although it's been an experience littered with joy as well as pain, it's one I would trade.

I am thankful that because of blogging, I have a voice and an outlet in the world.  I haven't been using it the way I always wanted and meant to, but I think that with this new-found gratitude, that may very well change.

I am thankful for my husband, who is always there when I need him, who always manages to come through for us somehow, even when it doesn't look promising.  He works hard to take care of us, and because of him, I am free to sit at home and be a wife, mother, sister, aunt, friend and blogger.

I'm grateful that I posses skill in the kitchen and can still pull off a from-scratch homemade dinner like I did tonight (recipes to start to be posted as soon as I get my new blogging schedule worked out).

I'm grateful for my family and the people who love and accept me unconditionally, even if they don't always agree with me.

For the heart-to-heart Witchlet and I had tonight that seemed to bond our relationship even closer as we finally were able to relate to each other as mutual parents.

I am also so very grateful for my granddaughter.  I got to spend some time enjoying the feeling of her moving tonight.  It is a truly humbling experience to feel the stirrings of a new life inside the the life I created.  It's a feeling that leaves me at a loss for words because it touches my soul so deeply.  Watching the growth of my daughter's stomach as my grandchild has grown inside her has given me such a profound experience as a mother.

I'm thankful for late-night foot rubs, hot baths that smell of roses and gentle whispers in the dark.  I'm grateful for a glass of good wine at the end of a long day and the exhausted satisfaction of a clean house.

I'm thankful for the future and all the promise it seems to hold, even if I have gotten somewhat impatient waiting for everything to come together.  I have high hopes for our transition into the RV and am looking forward to learning a new type of lifestyle that I think will be satisfying in so many ways.

I am thankful for the guidance of the Goddess in my life.  For the times she has challenged me, rewarded me, and punished me.  In every challenge, regardless of if I passed or failed, I learned something valuable about myself, my relationships, my family and the world around me.  Under her not always gentle hand, I continue to learn and grow.

I'm thankful for finally being able to realize fully that my life, and my path, are truly my own.  I have often been overcome with guilt thinking I'm not doing this or that right because of someone else's views or opinions and I am learning to overcome that obstacle to personal happiness.  I cannot live my life for others and those that ask or expect me to, don't truly care about my happiness and I'm starting to weed that type of people from my life.

As for my path, it is mine alone to walk.  There are no set boundaries, rules or guidelines to what is "right" or "proper" for the way I celebrate my spirituality.  That is between me and my Gods and no one else.  It's ok to be me, and to do things my own way.  That has been a hard-learned lesson, and I'm grateful that I'm finally starting to get it.

To be quite honest, the last few months have been particularly stressful in so many ways and for so many reasons.  There has not been much gratitude in my attitude lately, and today was not a great day for me for a number of reasons, but sitting here, thinking over the things that I do have to be grateful for seems to have lifted a weight I didn't realize I was carrying until tonight.  I think I could even get used to this whole "To Blessed to Be Stressed" attitude eventually.  ;)

This is a weekly post that I believe I will find myself looking forward to immensely and again, I'm so very grateful to Cin from Witchy Rambles for her post today that inspired me to write this one.  Make sure to stop by and give her a visit.

What's normal? Loving more than one

Some of you may wonder what made me decide to share this piece of my past hot on the heels of the holidays, and there are two reasons. The first is a promise I made to Witchlet.  I promised her that one day, I would sit down and begin to blog about my life and my past so that some day, she could sit down and read it and come to know the woman behind the mother.

The second reason, is that it was during the holidays that fateful year that I endured this pain, and survived it. It was during the holidays that someone I should have hated, became very important in my life in a very complicated way and during the holidays, my mind always turns to him, her and us...

Some years ago, Draco and I went through a really horrible time in our relationship.  It was so bad, in fact, that it very nearly split us up, more than once, over the course of several years.

We're okay now, and have been for a long time, but it was a bad time for us then.

All the major issues that can break down a relationship were present.  Money issues, trust issues, a feeling of being disrespected, unhappiness, depression and stress in general were all factors in it from both sides.


We had drifted apart in so many ways after 15 years together.  We'd raised Witchlet, who was 16 at the time, and woke up one day to realize that we had grown so far apart as we each focused on jobs, raising children, paying bills and all of the things that come with an adult life, that we'd lost sight of each other.

It was a horrible time, one in which we both turned to other people, in our own ways, instead of each other.

For a while, it seemed that the fighting and hurt would never end.  It got so bad that on Christmas Day that year, I actually spiked the Christmas tree in the middle of the living room floor and broke nearly all our ornaments that we'd collected over the years.  I was devastated and angry, but honestly, I was mostly just plain scared and confused.

Draco and I got together when I was 20 and he was 22.  I already had one failed marriage (Witchlet's biological father) and was terrified of having another.  All I had ever known, really, was being a wife and a mom and the thought of loosing Draco, in spite of our issues, was terrifying to me.

There were a lot of fights, tears and sleepless nights, that finally gave way to talking, more tears and more sleepless nights.

There were nights we slept as far as away from each other as we could possibly get, both of us afraid to reach out to the other, even in the darkness of the bed we had shared for so many years.

It can be devastating to realize that someone you love more than nearly anything, is a stranger to you.  To suddenly learn things that can make them seem like they were never who you thought they were.  To sit and watch as your life, your hopes and your dreams crumble at your feet.

I won't lie.  For a while, I thought that it was all over but the packing.  I think he did, too, and the other person in our lives at the time certainly thought it was.

What began to happen in the aftermath of this situation was shocking to all of us, but probably the most to me.  Somehow, I began to bond with the other person involved and we became involved as well.  Even all these years later, I sit and shake my head at how it all happened the way it did and I honestly have no real explanation for it.  I don't think any of us really do, even now.

She still floats in and out of our lives.  This time last year, it had just ended once again between the 3 of us as she struggled with addiction and yet another failing relationship, then, as she is prone to do, she dropped off the radar again.

In spite of the pain she initially brought into my life, she also brought gifts.  I learned so much about myself over the course of the few years after it all happened.  I discovered I was stronger, and weaker, than I'd thought.  I discovered that Draco and I really could overcome anything.  I discovered just how important him, and our relationship is to me.

I also discovered that there is room in my heart to love more than one person at a time, which was something I never expected.  I was raised to believe that monogamy was the only right answer and that relationships
were between 2 people, and two people only.  I discovered that although that concept may be completely accurate for some, it's not for everyone.

I discovered a lot about my mate as well.  That he also has room in his heart to love more than one person and that his love for another does not diminish his love for me, among other things.

Through her, Draco and I discovered each other once again and we both realized that without help or interference, what we had, would have died anyway.  The situation we endured taught us to reach for each other, especially when the nights seem the darkest and longest.

We discovered that together, we could reach for anything as long as we had good communication, and we have achieved more in the years since then than we ever did before.

Gone are the nights of sitting up all night fighting over petty things that don't matter because we know how hard it can truly be.  We have watched our relationship reduced to ashes and stood looking at each other over the rubble that was left and we've worked hard to rebuild it since then.

Am I saying that everyone who experiences what I did should forgive?  No, I'm not.  I believe that those types of decisions should be based solely on the people involved and the relationship in question.

In the years since it all happened, I have had more than one person question my sanity in even attempting to forgive what happened, much less to rebuild our relationship with Witchlet as old as she was, and although Draco and I believe we owe no explanations for our choices in our relationship, we have occasionally offered them to people that mattered to us in an effort to have them understand.  It's been our personal experience though that although some have accepted it for what it is, very few seem to truly understand.

I was called out recently about our relationship status on our personal Facebook profiles, which is listed as "It's Complicated", and to us, it very much is.  Most people who know that I am bisexual and that Draco and I have a semi-open relationship, that at one time included what amounted to as a girlfriend that we shared for a time, don't understand and putting our relationship into terms that others understand, is complicated.

Even to us, the dynamics of our relationship seems complicated.  We have different views on what constitutes a "healthy relationship" than most of the world and we find ourselves rarely discussing it with anyone for that very reason.  How do you explain to people in "traditional relationships" that we can sit together now and talk of her and freely admit to each other that we still love and miss her, even though we have accepted that she will probably never be a permanent part of our lives?

In truth, I suppose very little of our relationship or life choices seems "normal" to "normal people".  Pagans generally seem to have a broader idea of relationships than most and usually require less hand-holding about ideas like polygamy or the concept of loving more than one person at the same time or open relationships.

It's been our belief in the years since those awful nights of fighting, that love is whatever you think it is, and can encompass as few, or as many, people as is comfortable for those involved.  As long as everyone is on the same page and no one is getting hurt, then it's up to the people involved to define what a "relationship" or even a domestic partnership, entails.

For us?  I won't lie.  We miss her every day and I'm not sure either of us will ever feel our relationship is complete without her, but we've adjusted to her absence.  We considered, some years ago, the possibility of someone else and neither of us were truly interested.  Perhaps one day, we will meet someone else that we come to feel that way about again, but we're not "looking".  For now, we prefer to share our lives with each other and share our feelings and memories about what we believe could have been if things had worked out differently.

I don't know where she is today, or how she is, but it is our hope that wherever she is, she happy and living her life in a way that makes her happy, but there is also that little part of us, the part that misses her, that hopes, especially as the Christmas lights twinkle and the wind blows cold, that she thinks of us...and smiles...

Blessings,

Rolling with the punches ~ Part 2

So, I said sometimes you just have to roll with the punches, right?  They're still rolling our way apparently. It's ok, and everything is under control, but there was a little moment when I wondered "how are we gonna get through it this time??".

The answer to that one, of course, is with as much grace as humanly possible, and I think we accomplished that.

NEW MEXICO 2006 RECREATIONAL VEHICLE plate (Photo credit: woody1778a)

Roommate has decided to move her boyfriend in, and for various reasons that I won't go into here, we have chosen to go ahead and bump up plans to fast-forward.  I'm going today to talk to the people we're buying the RV from about letting us get it livable and moving it up to a campsite in about a month instead of March. I think they'll agree since we'll most likely be moving it to exactly the place they used to live in it at, lol!

So, the full-time RV living is going to happen a little faster than we had planned, but that's ok.  It is what we ultimately wanted, so we're looking at it from a positive perspective.

Perspective is one of the things I'm going to be working on in the new year.  I have a tendency to be a bit of a hot-head at times.  Things hit me the way they hit me, and usually after I have time to calm down and think clearly, I'm able to work my way around it.  I need to try to learn to take time to think before I react because even though I'm a firm believer in instincts and gut-reactions, I'm mature enough to admit that my initial reaction is not always the right one.  Sometimes when you take the time to shift a problem around and look at it from all perspectives, your opinions change.

Have you ever reacted badly to a situation in the heat of the moment and later changed how you felt about it?

I'd love to hear from you!  Leave a message in the comments section below!

Blessings,

Learning To Let Go

The truth is, letting go is never easy for most people, be it a person, job, situation, habit, furbaby, or anything else. This post is not about teaching you how to let go, or even how to make it hurt less, it is simply my own realizations and experiences from a life that had seemed filled with letting go.

I think most people learn about letting go at a young age with either the passing of a family member or family pet.

The very first experience I had with it, that I remember, was my great uncle when I was 4.

He was severely diabetic and I barely remember brief periods when it wasn't obvious, even to a child, that something was wrong with him. Of course, I didn't understand what being diabetic was back then, I only knew the man I loved and called "Papa", that was like a father to me, was sick and had to go away a lot. I understand now that he was in and out of the hospital a lot, but I didn't understand that then.

His death, and learning what death was, was my first experience with having to let go.

The next time was my beloved cat, Baby. As loyal as any dog, and just as smart, she was my first dance with being a fur-mom.

Given to me as a dying runt when I was around seven, baby went on to have numerous litters of her own, making me a "child grand-ma" many times over.

When I was about eight or nine, she tried to run across the road with a bob-tailed semi coming and he never even tapped his breaks. She died in my arms in the backyard, too broken for the vet to fix her.

My cousin, friends, and I gave her a proper burial in the backyard and years later I could often still be seen sitting alone by her grave, crying quietly as I told her how very much I missed her and struggled to let go.

Death is, of course, a part of life, and since then I've seen death claim more than it's share, including furbabies, a few friends, my beloved Daddy Teddy Bear, The Puppet Master and many family members, including the cousin that was like a brother to me, that had attended Baby's funeral. We were only 30 when a motorcycle accident claimed him and I still miss him.

Death is only one form of letting go though. Death, at least, gives you no choice. Other forms of letting go are not so clean-cut, like the relationship you didn't want to end, but they did -- and then you run into them with someone new, or the family or friend you cared deeply for that had become poison and you had to walk away.

Sometimes, we have to let go when we really don't want to, knowing it's for the best for one or more of the people involved, and personally, I think the pain involved in that one ranks right up there with the pain of death.

I know when I lost Step-Dad due to circumstances I couldn't control, it hit me just as hard as losing The Puppet Master had earlier that year.

Recently, I had to let Dragonfly go. It was one of those tough-love moments every parent prays never happens to them. Deep-down, I pray it doesn't have to be permanent because I love my child, but sometimes, you just have to make a stand and make them figure out life on their own.

The pain of making that decision had been weighing on me for months and when I said it to her, the pain slammed into me like a freight train with no breaks. It laid my heart bare and left me bleeding on the inside. A pain I'm still struggling to find balance under.

During all this, two people close to my heart have laid beloved fur-babies to rest and I have done what I could to help them heal while struggling with my own pain.

Although I know time does not truly heal all wounds, I do know that time will help make the pain more bearable for all of our losses.

Meanwhile, I struggle to find my equilibrium in a world full of limbo and letting go peppered with the humor I have to find in life to save my sanity while I do what we all do, and try to learn to let go.

Blessings from The Lair,

Drakina