What's normal? Loving more than one

Some of you may wonder what made me decide to share this piece of my past hot on the heels of the holidays, and there are two reasons. The first is a promise I made to Witchlet.  I promised her that one day, I would sit down and begin to blog about my life and my past so that some day, she could sit down and read it and come to know the woman behind the mother.

The second reason, is that it was during the holidays that fateful year that I endured this pain, and survived it. It was during the holidays that someone I should have hated, became very important in my life in a very complicated way and during the holidays, my mind always turns to him, her and us...

Some years ago, Draco and I went through a really horrible time in our relationship.  It was so bad, in fact, that it very nearly split us up, more than once, over the course of several years.

We're okay now, and have been for a long time, but it was a bad time for us then.

All the major issues that can break down a relationship were present.  Money issues, trust issues, a feeling of being disrespected, unhappiness, depression and stress in general were all factors in it from both sides.


We had drifted apart in so many ways after 15 years together.  We'd raised Witchlet, who was 16 at the time, and woke up one day to realize that we had grown so far apart as we each focused on jobs, raising children, paying bills and all of the things that come with an adult life, that we'd lost sight of each other.

It was a horrible time, one in which we both turned to other people, in our own ways, instead of each other.

For a while, it seemed that the fighting and hurt would never end.  It got so bad that on Christmas Day that year, I actually spiked the Christmas tree in the middle of the living room floor and broke nearly all our ornaments that we'd collected over the years.  I was devastated and angry, but honestly, I was mostly just plain scared and confused.

Draco and I got together when I was 20 and he was 22.  I already had one failed marriage (Witchlet's biological father) and was terrified of having another.  All I had ever known, really, was being a wife and a mom and the thought of loosing Draco, in spite of our issues, was terrifying to me.

There were a lot of fights, tears and sleepless nights, that finally gave way to talking, more tears and more sleepless nights.

There were nights we slept as far as away from each other as we could possibly get, both of us afraid to reach out to the other, even in the darkness of the bed we had shared for so many years.

It can be devastating to realize that someone you love more than nearly anything, is a stranger to you.  To suddenly learn things that can make them seem like they were never who you thought they were.  To sit and watch as your life, your hopes and your dreams crumble at your feet.

I won't lie.  For a while, I thought that it was all over but the packing.  I think he did, too, and the other person in our lives at the time certainly thought it was.

What began to happen in the aftermath of this situation was shocking to all of us, but probably the most to me.  Somehow, I began to bond with the other person involved and we became involved as well.  Even all these years later, I sit and shake my head at how it all happened the way it did and I honestly have no real explanation for it.  I don't think any of us really do, even now.

She still floats in and out of our lives.  This time last year, it had just ended once again between the 3 of us as she struggled with addiction and yet another failing relationship, then, as she is prone to do, she dropped off the radar again.

In spite of the pain she initially brought into my life, she also brought gifts.  I learned so much about myself over the course of the few years after it all happened.  I discovered I was stronger, and weaker, than I'd thought.  I discovered that Draco and I really could overcome anything.  I discovered just how important him, and our relationship is to me.

I also discovered that there is room in my heart to love more than one person at a time, which was something I never expected.  I was raised to believe that monogamy was the only right answer and that relationships
were between 2 people, and two people only.  I discovered that although that concept may be completely accurate for some, it's not for everyone.

I discovered a lot about my mate as well.  That he also has room in his heart to love more than one person and that his love for another does not diminish his love for me, among other things.

Through her, Draco and I discovered each other once again and we both realized that without help or interference, what we had, would have died anyway.  The situation we endured taught us to reach for each other, especially when the nights seem the darkest and longest.

We discovered that together, we could reach for anything as long as we had good communication, and we have achieved more in the years since then than we ever did before.

Gone are the nights of sitting up all night fighting over petty things that don't matter because we know how hard it can truly be.  We have watched our relationship reduced to ashes and stood looking at each other over the rubble that was left and we've worked hard to rebuild it since then.

Am I saying that everyone who experiences what I did should forgive?  No, I'm not.  I believe that those types of decisions should be based solely on the people involved and the relationship in question.

In the years since it all happened, I have had more than one person question my sanity in even attempting to forgive what happened, much less to rebuild our relationship with Witchlet as old as she was, and although Draco and I believe we owe no explanations for our choices in our relationship, we have occasionally offered them to people that mattered to us in an effort to have them understand.  It's been our personal experience though that although some have accepted it for what it is, very few seem to truly understand.

I was called out recently about our relationship status on our personal Facebook profiles, which is listed as "It's Complicated", and to us, it very much is.  Most people who know that I am bisexual and that Draco and I have a semi-open relationship, that at one time included what amounted to as a girlfriend that we shared for a time, don't understand and putting our relationship into terms that others understand, is complicated.

Even to us, the dynamics of our relationship seems complicated.  We have different views on what constitutes a "healthy relationship" than most of the world and we find ourselves rarely discussing it with anyone for that very reason.  How do you explain to people in "traditional relationships" that we can sit together now and talk of her and freely admit to each other that we still love and miss her, even though we have accepted that she will probably never be a permanent part of our lives?

In truth, I suppose very little of our relationship or life choices seems "normal" to "normal people".  Pagans generally seem to have a broader idea of relationships than most and usually require less hand-holding about ideas like polygamy or the concept of loving more than one person at the same time or open relationships.

It's been our belief in the years since those awful nights of fighting, that love is whatever you think it is, and can encompass as few, or as many, people as is comfortable for those involved.  As long as everyone is on the same page and no one is getting hurt, then it's up to the people involved to define what a "relationship" or even a domestic partnership, entails.

For us?  I won't lie.  We miss her every day and I'm not sure either of us will ever feel our relationship is complete without her, but we've adjusted to her absence.  We considered, some years ago, the possibility of someone else and neither of us were truly interested.  Perhaps one day, we will meet someone else that we come to feel that way about again, but we're not "looking".  For now, we prefer to share our lives with each other and share our feelings and memories about what we believe could have been if things had worked out differently.

I don't know where she is today, or how she is, but it is our hope that wherever she is, she happy and living her life in a way that makes her happy, but there is also that little part of us, the part that misses her, that hopes, especially as the Christmas lights twinkle and the wind blows cold, that she thinks of us...and smiles...

Blessings,

Roll with the punches

We just never really know what may be around the next corner, and sometimes, even when we think we have things all figured out, we realize that we don't.

Our holiday visit to Tiger's brought exactly this situation.

English: Jayco slide out kitchen area (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Naturally, we didn't think our family would be overjoyed about our plans to travel extensively, but what we didn't know was that Bear had already talked to his job about getting Draco hired on.  I'm still not certain why he did that in December, when we weren't planning to do anything until February-March, but he did, and what was done was done.  Tiger informed us shortly after we arrived that Bear was very upset that if Draco decided not to take the job, that it might make him look bad at work, and I can understand why.  We discussed the situation and decided to split the difference between our original plan and the new plan.

We are still buying the RV, still intending to live in it full-time, but we will be settling down close to where Bear and Tiger live and Draco will try for job welding with Bear and we will travel when Draco gets vacation time.

I'm really not as upset about this most recent change in plans as I feel I should be.

It's true, I was excited about living a more carefree life and seeing the world, but I suppose as I've gotten older, my ability to roll with the punches life sends me has improved.  It's probably a good thing, because the last few months has felt like a damn roller coaster!

Honestly, I was also looking forward to finally being closer to my sister and the rest of my family and it was a sacrifice.  One I was willing to make for Draco, but still a sacrifice.

Honestly though, he seems to be content with the idea and as long as he is happy, I will be happy as well.

So, Draco spent part of the holidays parked in front of Tiger's computer (we didn't take one with us), daydreaming about future RV upgrades, and even found us a few we both liked that were fairly reasonable.  Looks like once we get this RV set up and ready to go, we'll be saving our asses off to upgrade to something nicer, and bigger!

In other news, Christmas with family was a smashing success and we had a blast!  Even though I'm sure most, if not all, of our Christmas was bought before we decided to buy the RV, most of our gifts will be perfect for the new place!  I'm so excited to get it paid for and all set up!

Of course, it will be a little bit of an adjustment going into such a small space, but honestly, we've been traveling light for about 4 years now, so we really don't have a whole lot.  Most of our possessions seem to be in the form of craft supplies, and that's only going to get worse, lol!

Well, I think that about catches things up for now other than our roommate had her phone stolen last night at work.  Hopefully she'll come home with a replacement phone since she's gone to the police department to file a report and on to her phone company to report it stolen.

Blessings,

Holidays

Thanksgiving Dinner (Photo credit: chuckwaters83)

I see it's been a little over a month since the last time I posted here.  I figured I better get to work on changing that.

I'm still having time-management issues.  I discussed with Draco this morning how overwhelmed I often feel and he says he's going to start helping more.

I changed schools, kind of spur-of-the-moment last week.  I think I like the one I'm using now a lot better.  I'll let you know how I feel as time goes on.  I started going to the Magical Circle School and I'm actually really excited about it.  I like the way the school is put together a lot better than the other one.

I did get ordained the first part of the week as a non-denominational minister (Reverend) and I've been pretty excited about getting that part of things done.  I will still be moving through the degree program with the school I joined this week, but that is a process that will take years to complete.

I managed to pull off a Thanksgiving dinner for 12 on the spur of the moment and we have our dinner with the kids planned for the 21st, which gives me 2 weeks to pull that one together.

The holidays will be a little skimpy this year, but it's a rough year financially and I think Draco and I have developed a better game-plan for pulling them off next year.

Things have been stressful, but we're managing to maneuver our way through the holidays.

How are you surviving the holidays?

Blessings,
Fae

Beltane

Beltane is a fertility and fire festival, also known as May Day.

There are many ways, both as groups and as solitaires, to honor this holiday.

If you happen to have children you'd like to include in a ritual, this one from about.com might be a good starting point : Hold a Family Abundance Rite for Beltane.

If, on the other hand, you're solitaires and perhaps empty-nesters, like Draco and I, you could do something more elaborate, or more simple.

Draco and I don't tend to have a lot of time to do things, so setting up elaborate rituals is almost always a frustrating experience for us, so we tend to celebrate in more mundane ways. Here's an idea of what the holiday will be like at The Lair.

Naturally, Draco has already heard that they will most likely be working late today (of course). Things like this almost always seem to happen on our holidays.

I have already showered and done a cleansing ritual for myself and have put on a very vibrantly colored shirt to honor the coming colors of spring. He will do his when he gets home.

I will spend my day cleaning and taking care of my plants. I do have seeds I'd intended to plant today, but of course, I forgot to buy pots and dirt, so that will have to wait.

In honor of financial fertility, I intend to do at least a little work on my business, Dragon's Lair Crafts.

Tonight, since we can't have a bonfire where we live, I will light candles all over the house, burn some of our favorite incense, and dinner will be eaten at the table where I have already placed some of my house-plants. Conversation well be about our hopes and dreams for our future as a couple and what things we would like to see grow between us.

I will have some small pieces of paper on hand where we can write our wishes and after dinner, we will burn them in my mini-cauldron that sits on my alter. Tomorrow, I will offer the ashes to the universe and The Fates.

Since we do live alone, all of this will be followed by some intimate time between us as we celebrate our own sex rite and the energy will be offered to the universe to help fertilize our wishes.

Afterwards, we will enjoy cake and tea (since I also forgot to buy a bottle of wine) while we ground our energies.

That's it. Tomorrow I will offer the ashes of our wishes and do some more cleaning, including a complete smudging of the house.

In Paganism, especially if you are solitary, it doesn't have to be elaborate or fancy, and you don't even need a lot of tools. You and your intention are your greatest tool!

I wish you all a very blessed Beltane from The Lair!

Drakina