TGIF (late): Following by example

Thank God It's Friday (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

There's this blog I read, Witchy Rambles.  I get it in my inbox whenever Cin makes a new post.  I honestly can't recall if I've ever commented on anything there, or her FB page, but I do pause to read them when they come to my inbox.

It's 2:30 am where I am right now, and really, I suppose I should be getting ready to curl up in bed next to Draco, but we just got home from Witchlet's and although we're both tired, neither of us seem quite ready for bed yet, so I started going through my email and found the post Cin did today.  You can find it here, TGIF: Simple things.

Even though it is technically Saturday, not Friday, and most of the people who read this will see it later in the day, I was so moved by her post, that I decided I just had to jump on board because it is such a lovely idea.  It's not a "sign up for blogger meme" or anything like that, just something she decided to do, but I believe that it would make a wonderful meme if she ever decided to make it one.

So many times, we get caught up in the hustle and bustle of modern life, that we tend to forget to be grateful for our blessings, both great and small, and although I mentioned in a previous post that I don't make New Year's Resolutions anymore, and "Attitude of Gratitude" was one of the things I wanted to work towards this year.

You see, I can tend to be a bit of a pessimist when life gets complicated.  I get overwhelmed and it seems like everything around me is doom and gloom and all I see is the bad.  A lot of my life experiences have been negative, so I find that when I write about my past, and occasionally about my present, it's in an attitude of complaint over the things that are not going well.  Cin's post inspired me to look closer at my life in an effort to try to focus, at least one day a week, on remembering the positive things in my life, and being grateful for them.

After all, the energy we put out there is the same energy we pull to us, right?

So, on Fridays, I want to start doing a post like what Cin is doing over on her blog.  In the spirit of gratitude, here is my TGIF post for this week.  Remember, you can find the post that inspired mine over at Witchy Rambles.

At this moment, I'm grateful to my sister of the heart @TimberLeaves, for introducing me to blogging many years ago when it was still in its infancy.  Because of her, I have owned several blogs, one of which at one time held some popularity and interaction regularly, and I have "met" some amazing and inspiring people via their blogs.  I have come to respect writing in a way school never taught me, by being part of the Bloggerverse, and although it's been an experience littered with joy as well as pain, it's one I would trade.

I am thankful that because of blogging, I have a voice and an outlet in the world.  I haven't been using it the way I always wanted and meant to, but I think that with this new-found gratitude, that may very well change.

I am thankful for my husband, who is always there when I need him, who always manages to come through for us somehow, even when it doesn't look promising.  He works hard to take care of us, and because of him, I am free to sit at home and be a wife, mother, sister, aunt, friend and blogger.

I'm grateful that I posses skill in the kitchen and can still pull off a from-scratch homemade dinner like I did tonight (recipes to start to be posted as soon as I get my new blogging schedule worked out).

I'm grateful for my family and the people who love and accept me unconditionally, even if they don't always agree with me.

For the heart-to-heart Witchlet and I had tonight that seemed to bond our relationship even closer as we finally were able to relate to each other as mutual parents.

I am also so very grateful for my granddaughter.  I got to spend some time enjoying the feeling of her moving tonight.  It is a truly humbling experience to feel the stirrings of a new life inside the the life I created.  It's a feeling that leaves me at a loss for words because it touches my soul so deeply.  Watching the growth of my daughter's stomach as my grandchild has grown inside her has given me such a profound experience as a mother.

I'm thankful for late-night foot rubs, hot baths that smell of roses and gentle whispers in the dark.  I'm grateful for a glass of good wine at the end of a long day and the exhausted satisfaction of a clean house.

I'm thankful for the future and all the promise it seems to hold, even if I have gotten somewhat impatient waiting for everything to come together.  I have high hopes for our transition into the RV and am looking forward to learning a new type of lifestyle that I think will be satisfying in so many ways.

I am thankful for the guidance of the Goddess in my life.  For the times she has challenged me, rewarded me, and punished me.  In every challenge, regardless of if I passed or failed, I learned something valuable about myself, my relationships, my family and the world around me.  Under her not always gentle hand, I continue to learn and grow.

I'm thankful for finally being able to realize fully that my life, and my path, are truly my own.  I have often been overcome with guilt thinking I'm not doing this or that right because of someone else's views or opinions and I am learning to overcome that obstacle to personal happiness.  I cannot live my life for others and those that ask or expect me to, don't truly care about my happiness and I'm starting to weed that type of people from my life.

As for my path, it is mine alone to walk.  There are no set boundaries, rules or guidelines to what is "right" or "proper" for the way I celebrate my spirituality.  That is between me and my Gods and no one else.  It's ok to be me, and to do things my own way.  That has been a hard-learned lesson, and I'm grateful that I'm finally starting to get it.

To be quite honest, the last few months have been particularly stressful in so many ways and for so many reasons.  There has not been much gratitude in my attitude lately, and today was not a great day for me for a number of reasons, but sitting here, thinking over the things that I do have to be grateful for seems to have lifted a weight I didn't realize I was carrying until tonight.  I think I could even get used to this whole "To Blessed to Be Stressed" attitude eventually.  ;)

This is a weekly post that I believe I will find myself looking forward to immensely and again, I'm so very grateful to Cin from Witchy Rambles for her post today that inspired me to write this one.  Make sure to stop by and give her a visit.

News From the Lair ~ Gearing up for the new year

I saw on Facebook this morning that there will be a New Moon on January 1, 2014.  Apparently this hasn't happened in a long time and most likely won't happen again for a while.

Of course, the Pagan community will be all a flutter over this (it's already starting), and for once, I think I may end up joining in on the excitement and planning.

I really think a clean slate is what I have needed for years.  The last few years have been particularly unpleasant, but I have managed to somehow work my way through them.  I have tried to see every situation as a learning experience, I have learned (a little better anyway) how to enjoy life's moments a little more than I once did, and not to stand around taking crap from anyone, no matter what they (or I) think I owe them.

English: New Year's Resolutions postcard (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

2013 did offer a few good things, but they are things I think I was preparing for 2014 with.  2013 saw Witchlet become pregnant, a thing none of us ever thought would happen due to a bad infection she had at 18 and our first grandchild is due the day after my birthday in 2014.

I became ordained this year, but I am still going to school to receive the title of Priestess before I really do much with it.  I won't receive that title in 2014, but I know this coming year will be filled with school.

I renamed, re-branded, and am in the process of reopening the business I inherited from The Puppet Master when she passed away 2 years ago and for once, I feel hopeful and optimistic about it.  The official reopening is scheduled for January 1st and now that I know about the New Moon on that day, I feel even more excited about the opening.

I have been asked over the years that I have been blogging, about New Year's Resolutions.  In truth, a lot of Pagans, including us, celebrate the New Year more on Samhain than on January 1st, but either way, I have mostly stopped making "Resolutions".

Sure, I have "wishes" for what the new year will bring, but I don't sit down and make a bunch of promises to myself about what I will and won't do in the new year.  The reason for that is multiple, but it basically boils down to the simple fact that I found that making Resolutions was rather depressing for me.  Most people make Resolutions along the lines of "I will work out 3 times a week this year" or "I will finally drop that last 10 pounds" or "I resolve to quit smoking this year".  I have found that those types of "Resolutions" often fall flat before February 1st rolls around and I end up feeling like I failed myself.

Instead, I use Samhain as a kind of banishing.  I try to resolve problems and let go of the past at my Samhain ritual, generally by burning scraps of paper with what I am banishing or releasing on them in my Samhain fire and then I feel better with ideas like "I will try to communicate with the people I care about more clearly" or "I will try to find balance in (insert area of life needing balance the most here) aspect of my life".

I know already that if I eat properly, dropping 10 pounds won't be that hard and if I get off my butt and move around, exercise will come naturally.  Chances are, if I haven't already been doing something, then the "New Year's Resolutions" isn't going to make me.

So, as I prepare to face 2014, I have a clear idea of the kinds of energies I'd like to focus on in my life and I have set in motion a few things that I hope to cultivate in my personal life.

Regardless of if you make Resolutions or not, I hope that 2014 brings you all of the best things in life and I look forward to getting to know my community a little better and seeing where the year takes us!

Blessings,

Life Choices

So today, I saw this picture posted by KARMA: What Goes Around Comes Around and it really made me think.  I mean, doesn't it seem profoundly true in so many ways?  How many times have you thought you had it all worked out and suddenly realized that although you thought you had it all worked out, suddenly the answer didn't seem to make sense anymore?

I know I seem to have had a heaping dose of that lately myself.

In truth, I think it's just that I'm in an uncomfortable place in my life right now.  All the news I received from the hospital while I was sick, although it was information that I needed to have, it left me in a bit of a predicament.

You see, although I felt largely unfulfilled some days, I wasn't really what I would call unhappy with my life.  I had my bad habits like everyone else (smoking and drinking way too much caffeine), but I reasoned those away with how I could definitely have much worse habits ("I mean...it's not like I'm a real drug addict or anything...").

My time at the hospital told me that no matter how I tried to make my habits seem reasonable, that they were still killing me.

English: Caffeine Free Coca-Cola (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Since leaving the hospital, I've almost completely given up caffeine, something I honestly never thought I'd do.  My life is fueled on coffee and giving it up has been hard.  I haven't completely quit, but I have been considering buying some decaf instant and seeing if I can fool myself with it the same way I have with Caffeine-free soda.

The other thing is that in replacement of all the caffeine-rich drinks I was having, I've switched over to drinking juice some.  Me, drinking juice...those that know me personally could tell you that's something they never thought they'd see.

The next thing is smoking.  For the last 2 days, I've been trying to smoke some on an e-cigarette and cut back on how many real cigarettes I'm smoking.  Draco and I have spent the morning looking over various websites and brands, comparing prices for starter kits and refills.  I'm very curious about the flavored ones.  I have found a site that carries coffee, vanilla and cherry (well, they carry more than that, but those are the ones I'm looking at).  I thought about contacting them and asking them if they'd let me do a product review, but I really don't have enough traffic here to interest anyone for something like that.

I think we finally settled on the Victory Electronic Cigarette.  The tobacco store close to our house has the starter kits for $25 and Draco and I are both considering getting one.

At first, he wasn't going to quit smoking with me, but after we talked last night, I think he's changed his mind and is looking forward to giving it a try himself.  I'm really excited about the coffee flavored one.

This week, I'm also going to some decaf coffee.  See if I can make my brain believe it's getting what it wants without the added crap that will put me on dialysis for the rest of my life.

OK, so I'm having to use some little tricks and lies on myself.  I'm sure there are those out there that say it's just as wrong as bribing a child to get it to do what you want it to do, but I say it's more along the lines of positive reinforcement...and besides, if caffeine and smoking are really so bad for me (and I believe they are), who gives a crap how I have to go about getting off of them, just so long as I do?

Have you had to detox bad habits from your life?  What did you give up and how?

Blessings,

Fae Moon

Related articles

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• Saying Bye To Caffeine

Surprises

I began a wonderful introductory post that I'd intended to be my first entry on my new blog, introducing myself and the members of the Lair, but yesterday brought me some unexpected gifts and I just had to share. I figured since this blog was about family, and what happened yesterday was very much about family, that the introduction could wait one more day.

I awoke yesterday morning when Draco's alarm went off at 5:30 am. Technically, I don't have to get up that early, but as anyone who knows me well can tell you, I'm not actually much of a morning person and if I don't get up earlier than necessary, and take a moment to get woke up before I get up, well, let's just say I've been known to walk into walls.

I live my life with my phone in my hand. Between texting, blogging, social media and occasional phone calls, I stay pretty busy. Like most of the world these days, my phone is practically an extension of my arm. So, in those idle moments as I'm waking up, I generally check my Facebook.

This morning, I woke to find a private message on the Fanpage for the blog I'm in the process of closing. It was odd on its own because it was the first such message I've ever received on a Fanpage. Curiosity took over. Many things flashed through my mind, including Trolls, since my blog and Fanpage were both Pagan in nature. I've yet to be Trolled, but figured there was a first time for everything.

I switched to my Page Manager App and pulled up the message. What I found was more surprising than Trolls.

What I found was a message from Tiger.

Let me explain.

Around the age of 2 or 3, The Puppet Master (my mom) married my first step-father, Teddy (he reminded me of a live Teddy Bear when I was a child, so I can think of nothing better, or more fitting, to call him for the sake of my family's privacy). He had no children of his own at the time, but he did have a niece that lived with his mother that he was extremely attached to.

As the story goes, PM and Teddy originally intended to get custody of us both and raise us as sisters. For the brief time they were married, weekends generally included us both (they didn't have custody of either of us at the time) and we were encouraged to see one another, not as cousins, but as sisters.

Divorce, of course, does horrible things to people, and as a result, we were torn apart.

When I agreed to marry The Ass, my 1st husband, and began planning my wedding, I was adamant that even though my current step-father would walk me down the isle, I wanted Teddy to be there.

PM quietly began searching. The person she found first was my long-lost would-have-been sister, Tiger (she has the spirit of a Tiger).

The reunion between us was pure joy and we were very close again immediately. She was there through my entire pregnancy with Witchlet and is one of her 2 god-mothers (the other being @TimberLeaves who also loves her dearly but lives so very far away).

Unfortunately, we were both very young and the stress from my divorce from The Ass tore us apart again.

Over the years, we've drifted in and out of each others lives but we were so focused on trying to recapture the past, and experienced so much interference from PM combined with the general stress people who are so much alike, yet vastly different, can go through that we couldn't seem to hold it together in spite of the fact that we love each other so much.

Honestly, I think we both had lessons to learn. We are both prone to loving with a fierceness that borders on obsession, over-protective-ness and posessive-ness. But, loving hard, and loving unconditionally, are two very different things. It's hard to love as hard as we do without conditions or expectations of the people we love (and we have high expectations of ourselves as well). I've personally learned over the years that even though I love hard, I had to let go of expecting people to fit in the little boxes I tried to cram them in and I was guilty of this with Tiger.

To truly love is to love people for who they are, not who we'd like for them to be.

Even though the "official" reasons for our separation were much different, I feel that unrealistic expectations of each other, and ourselves, played a big part in things. While we were busy expecting so much from each other and our relationship, we failed to accept, understand and respect each other for the beautiful, strong women we truly are.

For the sake of honesty and the fullest disclosure I'm willing to share here, I was also a very needy young woman. My need of the love Tiger offered me caused me to spend more time trying to please and win her approval, not seeing at the time that she could never accept me the way I needed if I wasn't willing to stand before her, heart and soul laid bare, and say "this is me. This is my life. Accept me for who I really am, not who I try to be for you, or walk away".

There is a fear in us all, I think, to let people we truly love, see us in our entirety. All of us wear masks from time to time, especially when we are young. It is the fear of laying ourselves bare for close inspection and being found lacking or undeserving of the love we need so badly that keeps us hiding behind those masks.

For me, it was also about the way PM raised me. I learned at an early age that I had been closely inspected by her and had been found undeserving of her love and affection. I spent nearly 40 years contorting myself into whatever I thought she wanted trying to gain an approval she denied me, even on her death-bed.

With her passing, I swore to myself as I stood by her hospital bed for the last time, that I would never again hide behind a mask for anyone's love or approval.

As Tiger and I talked yesterday, she began to see me, I think, for the first time. I spoke openly of my life, offering no excuses or apologies for who or what I am or for the life I've chosen. In truth, I am happy with my life, and because of that fact, there should be no shame, no hiding.

We talked most of the day. Sometimes our topics were serious, often they were not, and the entire experience, for me at least, was punctuated with many smiles and the endless laughter and bantering that has been so common in our relationship.

I realize, with much regret, that I did Tiger a disservice for years by assuming that she didn't love me enough to love the real me. In truth, where I live, how I live, etc, should not matter. What should matter is that I love her endlessly and completely and that she loves me the same way.

Tiger, I know you will eventually read this, so I offer this to you in closing. I love you, my sister. I'm sorry for the years I hid the real me from you and I promise that I will never do that again. 

I love you in your perfection, as well as your imperfection. I love you for all that you are, all you have ever been, all you ever will be. I love you without judgment, without hesitation, without reservation and without conditions. I love you for all the things you aren't and never will be but most of all, I love you for everything you are, and always have been, to me. Love...Me

Never forget that family is the most important thing in the world, gentle readers. Love those that love you back like there is no tomorrow because tomorrow is never promised.

Blessings from The Lair,

Drakina