What's normal? Loving more than one

Some of you may wonder what made me decide to share this piece of my past hot on the heels of the holidays, and there are two reasons. The first is a promise I made to Witchlet.  I promised her that one day, I would sit down and begin to blog about my life and my past so that some day, she could sit down and read it and come to know the woman behind the mother.

The second reason, is that it was during the holidays that fateful year that I endured this pain, and survived it. It was during the holidays that someone I should have hated, became very important in my life in a very complicated way and during the holidays, my mind always turns to him, her and us...

Some years ago, Draco and I went through a really horrible time in our relationship.  It was so bad, in fact, that it very nearly split us up, more than once, over the course of several years.

We're okay now, and have been for a long time, but it was a bad time for us then.

All the major issues that can break down a relationship were present.  Money issues, trust issues, a feeling of being disrespected, unhappiness, depression and stress in general were all factors in it from both sides.


We had drifted apart in so many ways after 15 years together.  We'd raised Witchlet, who was 16 at the time, and woke up one day to realize that we had grown so far apart as we each focused on jobs, raising children, paying bills and all of the things that come with an adult life, that we'd lost sight of each other.

It was a horrible time, one in which we both turned to other people, in our own ways, instead of each other.

For a while, it seemed that the fighting and hurt would never end.  It got so bad that on Christmas Day that year, I actually spiked the Christmas tree in the middle of the living room floor and broke nearly all our ornaments that we'd collected over the years.  I was devastated and angry, but honestly, I was mostly just plain scared and confused.

Draco and I got together when I was 20 and he was 22.  I already had one failed marriage (Witchlet's biological father) and was terrified of having another.  All I had ever known, really, was being a wife and a mom and the thought of loosing Draco, in spite of our issues, was terrifying to me.

There were a lot of fights, tears and sleepless nights, that finally gave way to talking, more tears and more sleepless nights.

There were nights we slept as far as away from each other as we could possibly get, both of us afraid to reach out to the other, even in the darkness of the bed we had shared for so many years.

It can be devastating to realize that someone you love more than nearly anything, is a stranger to you.  To suddenly learn things that can make them seem like they were never who you thought they were.  To sit and watch as your life, your hopes and your dreams crumble at your feet.

I won't lie.  For a while, I thought that it was all over but the packing.  I think he did, too, and the other person in our lives at the time certainly thought it was.

What began to happen in the aftermath of this situation was shocking to all of us, but probably the most to me.  Somehow, I began to bond with the other person involved and we became involved as well.  Even all these years later, I sit and shake my head at how it all happened the way it did and I honestly have no real explanation for it.  I don't think any of us really do, even now.

She still floats in and out of our lives.  This time last year, it had just ended once again between the 3 of us as she struggled with addiction and yet another failing relationship, then, as she is prone to do, she dropped off the radar again.

In spite of the pain she initially brought into my life, she also brought gifts.  I learned so much about myself over the course of the few years after it all happened.  I discovered I was stronger, and weaker, than I'd thought.  I discovered that Draco and I really could overcome anything.  I discovered just how important him, and our relationship is to me.

I also discovered that there is room in my heart to love more than one person at a time, which was something I never expected.  I was raised to believe that monogamy was the only right answer and that relationships
were between 2 people, and two people only.  I discovered that although that concept may be completely accurate for some, it's not for everyone.

I discovered a lot about my mate as well.  That he also has room in his heart to love more than one person and that his love for another does not diminish his love for me, among other things.

Through her, Draco and I discovered each other once again and we both realized that without help or interference, what we had, would have died anyway.  The situation we endured taught us to reach for each other, especially when the nights seem the darkest and longest.

We discovered that together, we could reach for anything as long as we had good communication, and we have achieved more in the years since then than we ever did before.

Gone are the nights of sitting up all night fighting over petty things that don't matter because we know how hard it can truly be.  We have watched our relationship reduced to ashes and stood looking at each other over the rubble that was left and we've worked hard to rebuild it since then.

Am I saying that everyone who experiences what I did should forgive?  No, I'm not.  I believe that those types of decisions should be based solely on the people involved and the relationship in question.

In the years since it all happened, I have had more than one person question my sanity in even attempting to forgive what happened, much less to rebuild our relationship with Witchlet as old as she was, and although Draco and I believe we owe no explanations for our choices in our relationship, we have occasionally offered them to people that mattered to us in an effort to have them understand.  It's been our personal experience though that although some have accepted it for what it is, very few seem to truly understand.

I was called out recently about our relationship status on our personal Facebook profiles, which is listed as "It's Complicated", and to us, it very much is.  Most people who know that I am bisexual and that Draco and I have a semi-open relationship, that at one time included what amounted to as a girlfriend that we shared for a time, don't understand and putting our relationship into terms that others understand, is complicated.

Even to us, the dynamics of our relationship seems complicated.  We have different views on what constitutes a "healthy relationship" than most of the world and we find ourselves rarely discussing it with anyone for that very reason.  How do you explain to people in "traditional relationships" that we can sit together now and talk of her and freely admit to each other that we still love and miss her, even though we have accepted that she will probably never be a permanent part of our lives?

In truth, I suppose very little of our relationship or life choices seems "normal" to "normal people".  Pagans generally seem to have a broader idea of relationships than most and usually require less hand-holding about ideas like polygamy or the concept of loving more than one person at the same time or open relationships.

It's been our belief in the years since those awful nights of fighting, that love is whatever you think it is, and can encompass as few, or as many, people as is comfortable for those involved.  As long as everyone is on the same page and no one is getting hurt, then it's up to the people involved to define what a "relationship" or even a domestic partnership, entails.

For us?  I won't lie.  We miss her every day and I'm not sure either of us will ever feel our relationship is complete without her, but we've adjusted to her absence.  We considered, some years ago, the possibility of someone else and neither of us were truly interested.  Perhaps one day, we will meet someone else that we come to feel that way about again, but we're not "looking".  For now, we prefer to share our lives with each other and share our feelings and memories about what we believe could have been if things had worked out differently.

I don't know where she is today, or how she is, but it is our hope that wherever she is, she happy and living her life in a way that makes her happy, but there is also that little part of us, the part that misses her, that hopes, especially as the Christmas lights twinkle and the wind blows cold, that she thinks of us...and smiles...

Blessings,

#throwbackThursday Lapdragon Duchess

It's been nearly 2 years since the Puppet Master passed away.  Shortly before her passing, just after we moved in with B, our current roommate, for the first time, Chicklet called and said she thought she had a dog that would be a perfect fit for me, if I was interested.

Duchess 2012

She went on to explain that she was a Pug, as well as a rescue, and that the lady who had originally rescued her was sick and not doing well. She had many dogs, and they had simply become too much for her to handle. The Pug was one of many that she was looking to re-home, but it was her that my niece thought was meant for me.

To be honest, when I first mentioned it to Draco, he said no.  He said he didn't want a Pug.  I had personally never seen her, so I had no overwhelming reactions either way, but I did come home and start researching them online to find out what kind of needs and issues they were prone to have.  I made plans to "go look at her" the next day with no real hope of bringing her home.

Research showed that Pugs are actually bred down from Bull Mastiffs.  They are prone to breathing issues because of their squashed faces and don't deal with extreme temperatures at all.

Honestly, they were adorable, but seemed like a high maintenance breed.

Duchess late 2012

On the way over there, I honestly didn't think we'd come home with a dog that day, so when we got there, I sent Draco to look at her because I didn't want to want her and Draco say no.

When he came back carrying a small brown bundle and said, "I got my dog...where's your dog?"  I have to admit, I was a little surprised.

The dog we brought home that day and the one currently posted in my lap, don't seem like the same dogs now.  When we got her, she was very skittish and shy.  Quiet and unsure of herself and her place in our lives. She didn't play and rarely made a sound.

The Duchess you would meet if you saw us today is rambunctious, noisy and loves to play.  She "talks" when she wants something and even manages to make some sounds that suspiciously sound like "Mama" and "I love you".  You will most often find her in my lap or at my heels as I move through the house.

She loves to ride in the car with us, is good on long trips, and loves to give kisses.  When she gets excited, she wags her tail so hard that her whole back-end looks like it's gonna come off.

She never meets a stranger and loves attention from anyone she can convince to give it to her.

Duchess 2013

She is my faithful and constant companion and neither of us can bear to be separated for long.  She's my Duchy, my love and my best friend and I can't imagine life without her although I know that one day she will make her journey across the Rainbow Bridge to wait for me.

In so many ways, she is like a child to me.  I was suffering when I got her.  Witchlet had left home and in a sense, I had left home again myself after two years of caring for my parents (or trying to anyway).  My mother was dying and I knew it and Draco had just taken his old job back working out of town.  She was my comfort in those long, lonely nights and in the weeks after Puppet Master died, it was her I held when I was wracked with grief that I couldn't express.  It was into her ear that I whispered my pain and fears.

When I finally was able to let go and grieve, we were home alone and it was her that laid in the kitchen floor next to me as I cried out 6 months of pain and grief.  It was her that licked the tears from my face and laid her head across my neck for hours, refusing to leave my side for anything.

Yes, Duchess is my heart and I love her dearly.  She came to me at a time when I sorely needed a companion that could always be there and she has been that and much, much more.

As I type this, she is in her usual place, laying across my thigh snoring, content with her world, and because of her, I am content with mine.

Blessings,

Finding inspiration

English: A pair of recreational vehicles for sale by owner displayed on North Roxboro Street in Durham, North Carolina. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This morning, I Googled "is full time RV living for you" and in my search, a website popped up called Homestead Living - Little House Living.  I've been at this lady's site all day looking around and reading about her journey.

Somehow I knew that there was more to this whole RV living thing than simply moving in and propping up our feet.  Turns out, I was right.  Full time RV living is a lifestyle, one that full-timers seem to take pretty seriously.

I must admit, my concerns about things like storage have gone up since reading her blog.  Granted, they were RV-ing with a small child, and we won't be, but as I look around my room here at my roommate's house, I can see, now more than ever, how "stuff oriented" Draco and I have become - and how much of it is utterly useless.

I'm still reading her site, and still trying to get it straight in my mind that I will be able to do the things I wanted to do and still live this life that I have thought about for years.

There are a lot of different things to take into consideration, such as it will just be the two of us, and it sounds like we will mostly be stationary (Draco has a potential job waiting on him after we get the camper and we've found a site that seems like it will fit our needs).  Those things will make it a little easier to have that lifestyle, but we will still be looking at space as an ongoing issue.

For instance, the frugal life appeals to me in all ways except giving up eating out.  That is my one small weakness in life and I don't see that changing, but I have given thought to other ways to cut our costs, such as making a lot of other stuff homemade/handmade, canning, etc.

I know that there has to be a way to combine RV living (which honestly seems like a necessity if we are ever going to have anything to amount to anything) and having the other things in life I want.

The blog I've been reading has really inspired me to think about these things and to try to find a way to do it.  Surely there is someone out there that has had the kind of life I want and figured it out already...and if not, then I guess I might have to be the one to figure it out for the rest of the world!

Have you ever found yourself wanting a lifestyle so different from the one you have that you don't know where to begin?  How did you manage it?

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RV Living

I mentioned yesterday that Draco and I were looking into buying an RV.  It would seem that we may have found the one we'll end up with.  Chicklet has a best friend that found themselves in possession of one during a hard time in their lives last summer.  They have a 25 foot pull-behind camper and now that they have moved past that hard time, they have had the camper sitting in their front yard for several months gathering dust and leaves.

I messaged her yesterday (we're also Facebook friends via our connection with Chicklet) and asked her, on the off chance, if they had any intention of selling the RV.  Turns out they do, and they're only looking at getting a grand out of it.

After talking to my Aunt, who is a landlord and has owned several campers herself, she told me that even if we had to completely gut and remodel the RV to suit us, that we weren't going to find a 25 foot camper for that price anywhere else and it was her opinion that if we were going to purchase one, that we jump on that deal.  A phone call gave me a heads up on what all she knows is wrong with it (there were some things they just never used, like the stove or heating system) and pretty much sealed the deal that we will be buying it.

Last night, I got on Google and found a really nice RV park that's only about 20 minutes from where Tiger lives, which means it's about 20 minutes from the job we are hoping Draco will be getting as well.  Considering his job now is about 20 minutes from where we currently live, I'd say that's not too bad.

The site will cost us about $300/month with metered utilities, but with a camper that runs on propane for most things, and it just being the 2 of us, I don't see the power getting that bad.  Internet is $10/month and accessible from every site and there is a $50 deposit on the power, paid to the park itself.  They even have laundry facilities, although Tiger has a washer and dryer I could use, so I don't see needing that service.  They even offer a propane fill service.  You put your tank by the road, they pick it up, fill it, and bring it back to you. 

So, our bills there will actually stay around what we are paying here, but with more income to pay them, and the job won't be weather conditional.

Honestly, I'm looking forward to this in a lot of ways.  RV's have their own maintenance, but we'd be looking at that if we were buying a house or a mobile home, and honestly, I think it'll be a lot less maintenance in the long run.  I know that it'll be a lot of work in the beginning, but even if we decided later to do something else, this is something that will belong to us, that no one will ever be able to take away from us.

Baby Bump 1 (Photo credit: faemoon)

I mentioned this morning that we could always hitch it up and bring it down here for the weekend if we wanted to and Draco said no.  He said that when we come down, it'll either be for the day, or whoever wants us to stay can give us somewhere to stay while we're here.  Otherwise, we'll go home.  He said that our kids are grown and living their own lives, making their own choices, that don't have anything to do with us.  That is as it should be, but he said that now that they are, it's time for us to do the same.

He's right, and I know it.  We have lived our entire relationship for our kids.  Everything we've ever done has first had to pass thorough the filter of how it was going to effect our kids.  That was as it should be at the time, but that time has passed.

The truth is, he's 40 and I'm heading closer and closer to it.  We've never really lived just for us.

I look at Witchlet and her life and there are so many things she's doing right now that I wish were different, but the truth is, she's grown now and I can't control her life or the choices she makes.  I will always love her and I will always be there for her to call me if she needs a shoulder, but she is going to have to learn to live with the choices she's making, for good or bad.

I feel like I have spent 20 years competing with my ex's family, especially his mother.  Her relationship with Witchlet is toxic, and always has been, and I've expressed my concerns to Witchlet over and over, including my concerns where Little Witchlet is concerned, but she's not hearing me.  Again, I suppose this is a lesson she's going to have to learn the hard way.

I know that for myself, I can't deal with them any longer and with the upcoming birth of Little Witchlet, and Witchlet's inability to remove them from her life, that it's going to be the same thing all over again with the baby.  I thought if I came back here that maybe I could be there for Witchlet in some way that I wasn't before and she wouldn't feel the need for them anymore, but that's not how things have gone.  No matter what I've done, or how much I've done, she still goes over there everyday.  I can't stop her and it's time I stopped trying.

I suppose every parent goes through something like this.  Even as adults, we want to protect our children, especially from the things that hurt us when we were raising them, but the truth is, Witchlet is going to make her choices and there's nothing I can do.

In other news, Spirit nearly broke my arm last night.  She has a thing for my roommate's cats and she tried to dart after them with me holding her leash and it caused my arm to hit the porch post and almost snapped it at the elbow.  I've got more use of it so far today than I thought I would, but it sore and it hurts, so I'm going to call this one a day and go.  I have 3 days worth of meditation journaling I have to do for school and life has been so busy that I even let last night's full moon get away from me.

Blessings,
Fae Moon

School, Ordination and the pursuit of domestic bliss

So I found a place online called Universal Life Church.  They are non-denominational and they offer immediate online ordination.  I decided to go ahead and get ordained through them.

I also started taking classes at a different school, called The Magical Circle School, that offers a degree program.

I am undecided about what I'm going to do about my witch-school classes.  I'm still enrolled there as a basic free student, but I really like this other school.  I'm not sure what I want to do.  I don't know if I can pull off both schools at the same time or not.  I've been trying to decide.

I do know that whatever classes I take, where ever I take them, I think I'm going to be talking them some here on my blog.  MCS offers a student blog, and there will be things I'm required to journal there, but to me, that journal feels more like the notebooks I had to keep for specific classes in school where you turned in the entire notebook for a grade and that makes me feel a little more formal with it than I am here.  I think having an outlet to talk about what I'm learning will be a good thing, that will ultimately help me to grow even more in my studies.

Also, there has been major changes on the domestic front.  We seem to have inherited a dog that was left her by our roommate's boyfriend when he moved out the last time.  Her name is Spirit and she is a Catahoola Leopard Dog.  She is around a year old, but has never been trained, so we've really been working with her hard to establish ourselves as pack leaders and get her to follow basic commands.

I have to admit, she's been more of a challenge to train that what I'm used to.  She is responding to "sit" and "lay down" but that's about it for now.  The good news is, her time outside seems to have her mostly housebroken on her own and she is a very loving girl.  Her favorite thing to do is to curl up with you for snuggles and love.

Jayco 1006 Pop-up Camper Trailer (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

We have also decided, due to a combination of reasons, to move closer to Tiger and Bear after taxes.  We had been thinking of trying to rent a place close to them, but today Draco mentioned something I hadn't thought about since last summer.

His boss is talking about selling  his camper again.  I'm thinking how perfect that would be!  There are a number of camp sites close to Tiger's house.  There would be no big deposits to worry about, most of the camp grounds are pet-friendly and come with all the utilities included and even though my home would be highly mobile...it would still be my home and I could fix it up however I wanted!  I'm so excited about this idea again that I could bust!

I mean seriously, Draco and I can't have 2-legged kids anymore.  Witchlet was our one and only and she's 20 and pregnant with my first grandchild now and out on her own.  What do we need a huge place to have to clean for?  All the furniture usually comes with them (and is bolted to the floor lol).  All we'd have to really worry about a lot is where to put our altar and getting like maybe a TV and microwave for it.  Beyond that...they have heat and A/C in them already and we don't have a lot of stuff, so I think it'd be perfect!  Besides, we'd be on the lake pretty much all the time, which Draco and I would both love for our own reasons!

Can you say year-round vacation??

OK, that's it for me today.  I've got so much on my mind now that I don't know what to do with it all!

Blessings!
Fae Moon

Holidays

Thanksgiving Dinner (Photo credit: chuckwaters83)

I see it's been a little over a month since the last time I posted here.  I figured I better get to work on changing that.

I'm still having time-management issues.  I discussed with Draco this morning how overwhelmed I often feel and he says he's going to start helping more.

I changed schools, kind of spur-of-the-moment last week.  I think I like the one I'm using now a lot better.  I'll let you know how I feel as time goes on.  I started going to the Magical Circle School and I'm actually really excited about it.  I like the way the school is put together a lot better than the other one.

I did get ordained the first part of the week as a non-denominational minister (Reverend) and I've been pretty excited about getting that part of things done.  I will still be moving through the degree program with the school I joined this week, but that is a process that will take years to complete.

I managed to pull off a Thanksgiving dinner for 12 on the spur of the moment and we have our dinner with the kids planned for the 21st, which gives me 2 weeks to pull that one together.

The holidays will be a little skimpy this year, but it's a rough year financially and I think Draco and I have developed a better game-plan for pulling them off next year.

Things have been stressful, but we're managing to maneuver our way through the holidays.

How are you surviving the holidays?

Blessings,
Fae

Life Choices

So today, I saw this picture posted by KARMA: What Goes Around Comes Around and it really made me think.  I mean, doesn't it seem profoundly true in so many ways?  How many times have you thought you had it all worked out and suddenly realized that although you thought you had it all worked out, suddenly the answer didn't seem to make sense anymore?

I know I seem to have had a heaping dose of that lately myself.

In truth, I think it's just that I'm in an uncomfortable place in my life right now.  All the news I received from the hospital while I was sick, although it was information that I needed to have, it left me in a bit of a predicament.

You see, although I felt largely unfulfilled some days, I wasn't really what I would call unhappy with my life.  I had my bad habits like everyone else (smoking and drinking way too much caffeine), but I reasoned those away with how I could definitely have much worse habits ("I mean...it's not like I'm a real drug addict or anything...").

My time at the hospital told me that no matter how I tried to make my habits seem reasonable, that they were still killing me.

English: Caffeine Free Coca-Cola (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Since leaving the hospital, I've almost completely given up caffeine, something I honestly never thought I'd do.  My life is fueled on coffee and giving it up has been hard.  I haven't completely quit, but I have been considering buying some decaf instant and seeing if I can fool myself with it the same way I have with Caffeine-free soda.

The other thing is that in replacement of all the caffeine-rich drinks I was having, I've switched over to drinking juice some.  Me, drinking juice...those that know me personally could tell you that's something they never thought they'd see.

The next thing is smoking.  For the last 2 days, I've been trying to smoke some on an e-cigarette and cut back on how many real cigarettes I'm smoking.  Draco and I have spent the morning looking over various websites and brands, comparing prices for starter kits and refills.  I'm very curious about the flavored ones.  I have found a site that carries coffee, vanilla and cherry (well, they carry more than that, but those are the ones I'm looking at).  I thought about contacting them and asking them if they'd let me do a product review, but I really don't have enough traffic here to interest anyone for something like that.

I think we finally settled on the Victory Electronic Cigarette.  The tobacco store close to our house has the starter kits for $25 and Draco and I are both considering getting one.

At first, he wasn't going to quit smoking with me, but after we talked last night, I think he's changed his mind and is looking forward to giving it a try himself.  I'm really excited about the coffee flavored one.

This week, I'm also going to some decaf coffee.  See if I can make my brain believe it's getting what it wants without the added crap that will put me on dialysis for the rest of my life.

OK, so I'm having to use some little tricks and lies on myself.  I'm sure there are those out there that say it's just as wrong as bribing a child to get it to do what you want it to do, but I say it's more along the lines of positive reinforcement...and besides, if caffeine and smoking are really so bad for me (and I believe they are), who gives a crap how I have to go about getting off of them, just so long as I do?

Have you had to detox bad habits from your life?  What did you give up and how?

Blessings,

Fae Moon

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