Beltane

Beltane is a fertility and fire festival, also known as May Day.

There are many ways, both as groups and as solitaires, to honor this holiday.

If you happen to have children you'd like to include in a ritual, this one from about.com might be a good starting point : Hold a Family Abundance Rite for Beltane.

If, on the other hand, you're solitaires and perhaps empty-nesters, like Draco and I, you could do something more elaborate, or more simple.

Draco and I don't tend to have a lot of time to do things, so setting up elaborate rituals is almost always a frustrating experience for us, so we tend to celebrate in more mundane ways. Here's an idea of what the holiday will be like at The Lair.

Naturally, Draco has already heard that they will most likely be working late today (of course). Things like this almost always seem to happen on our holidays.

I have already showered and done a cleansing ritual for myself and have put on a very vibrantly colored shirt to honor the coming colors of spring. He will do his when he gets home.

I will spend my day cleaning and taking care of my plants. I do have seeds I'd intended to plant today, but of course, I forgot to buy pots and dirt, so that will have to wait.

In honor of financial fertility, I intend to do at least a little work on my business, Dragon's Lair Crafts.

Tonight, since we can't have a bonfire where we live, I will light candles all over the house, burn some of our favorite incense, and dinner will be eaten at the table where I have already placed some of my house-plants. Conversation well be about our hopes and dreams for our future as a couple and what things we would like to see grow between us.

I will have some small pieces of paper on hand where we can write our wishes and after dinner, we will burn them in my mini-cauldron that sits on my alter. Tomorrow, I will offer the ashes to the universe and The Fates.

Since we do live alone, all of this will be followed by some intimate time between us as we celebrate our own sex rite and the energy will be offered to the universe to help fertilize our wishes.

Afterwards, we will enjoy cake and tea (since I also forgot to buy a bottle of wine) while we ground our energies.

That's it. Tomorrow I will offer the ashes of our wishes and do some more cleaning, including a complete smudging of the house.

In Paganism, especially if you are solitary, it doesn't have to be elaborate or fancy, and you don't even need a lot of tools. You and your intention are your greatest tool!

I wish you all a very blessed Beltane from The Lair!

Drakina

Sharing Grief

Last night was rough. I spent the end of my evening helping my sister-cousin, Tiger, try to wade through the over-whelming grief and anger that comes with loosing a fur-child.

Although little Noel's life was peppered with health issues that the vet could not identify, we all believed that she was trying to get better. She had not been feeling well the last few days, but that was not uncommon. Her health tended to see-saw so much that we had all come to accept it as part of her life. Not knowing what was wrong with her gave us all a false sense of hope that, one day, she might recover and live a normal life.

Even with her health issues, her passing last night seemed so sudden and unexpected to us all, but especially to Tiger.

Tiger was wracked with the grief and guilt that only a fur-mom can know and I know from my own experiences with loosing fur-kids, that there really isn't anything anyone can say or do to lessen the hold grief wraps around your heart like a vice.  All I could do was try to hold my own grief in check and be a comforting voice on the other end of a too far away phone call.

My heart ached as I listened to one of the most important people in my life try to give voice to the pain that consumed her. My Tiger, so strong, yet with the unbridled heart of a child when it comes to what she loves and values.

As an empath, feeling the emotions of others is something I struggle to avoid most days, but with Tiger, as with Draco and Witchlet, those boundaries do not exist. I have no walls to separate me from them because I refuse to allow them.

Being 2 hours away on a work night, I could not offer her the small comfort my presence may have given her. I could not reach her to hold her with my arms, so I held her the only way I could -- with my heart.

As I let her grief and pain wash over my soul, I knew I was giving her a gift only I could offer her, sharing her grief. Her pain became my pain, her heart to my heart. A bond I share with precious few. I could almost feel our souls connect over the miles that separated us.

I know that this small act on my part did not, and cannot, lessen her pain. Nothing can.

They say that time heals all wounds, but that is not true. I still ache to hold my lost fur-children. My heart is still littered with raw spots that their passings have left, like tiny paw-prints on my heart. I know that the loss of Noel will leave those tiny paw-prints on Tiger's heart as well.

While my gift last night cannot take away her pain, I hope that it at least made the darkness she wandered in a little less lonely, a little less frightening because I know the darkness that grief can cast on your soul. I know the devastation of loss.

Sometimes, there are no words we can offer to those in pain. People often try to fill the silence with empty words and platitudes. Their intentions are good, but sometimes the only thing we truly have to offer another in their moments of grief is our heart and someone to share the pain.

While Tiger made the trip to lay her fur-child to rest, I laid my head in Draco's lap and tried to release my own grief. I had gotten attached to Noel over the many weekends we've spent at their house and looked on her and her fur-sister, Raven, as my nieces. They are Tiger's children in her heart and could be no less in mine.

As I once again light candles this morning, I am grateful that our little Noel no longer feels the pain her body suffered and I hope the light from her candle will lead her safely on to The Rainbow Bridge where she will wait with Tiger's other lost fur-children until they are reunited once more.

I will also light candles for Tiger for the strength she will need in the coming days as she struggles to deal with her loss, for strength for Bear as he tries to offer what comfort he can to the woman he loves as he deals with his own loss. For Aunt Hippy and Uncle Boomhower, who rushed to her side to offer what comfort they could and for myself and Draco while we try to help in whatever ways we can.

My candles are but small dots of light in the darkness Noel's passing has left, but they are lights just the same and I believe with all my heart that Noel can see those lights and knows that we are grieving and that in our grief, she was loved.

Rest easy now, Miss Noel, your family loves you.

With love,

Auntie

What connects me

I just read this thought-provoking post (link below), that asks what connects us.

I've been answering a lot of questions about my path lately to Tiger who is very eager to understand the passion I have for my spirituality, so I thought I'd address my thoughts on this topic here.

I'm finding joy in my life in being present in the moments life gives me, both alone and with the people who matter in my life. I do have a time I consider sacred, though, when I feel particularly grounded and connected and it's this time I'd like to share with you.

In the mornings, either before Draco gets up or after I take him to work, I make a cup of coffee that I take care to be precise with. I set it aside to begin cooling as I make my way to the ancestor shrine I've recently set up where I spend a few moments with Teddy Bear's photograph. Sometimes I just admire the quiet strength that shines from his photo, other times I talk to him for a few moments. Either way, he has my undivided attention during those moments as I give myself over to the feelings of being loved and protected that he always seemed to exude. Then, I spend a few moments with the photos of my living family and in giving thanks for the love and protection they continue to offer me. Again, this task has my undivided attention as I'm reminded how blessed I truly am that these people love me so unconditionally.

From there, I move to the family altar Draco and I share where I greet the day, ask for strength and receive any guidance the gods have to offer. This is a type of light trance for me. I ask for the blessings and safe-keeping of my loved ones, guidance for the lost, understanding for the confused, balance for those who cannot seem to find it and for those I love to never again feel a moments doubt about my feelings for them. I even say a few words for our way-ward third and offer my hopes to the winds of change and the Fates that she one day finds her way home.

Once I'm done, I sit at my kitchen table and focus on that cup of coffee. The temperature, the flavor, the way it feels in my mouth, the reflexive muscles that carry the caffeine I need so much to the rest of my body, the heat of the cup as it transfers to my hands, small imperfections in the surface of the cup --everything.

In these early-morning moments, I am present and connected with myself, my life, my path, and my gods. I am connected fully to my home and the people who make my life what it is. I am connected to nature as I listen to the chatter of the birds and watch the squirrels dance across the yard while the wind gently rocks the trees. These are the moments that connect me in all the ways that matter.

What are the things that connect you?

Blessings,

Drakina

Post inspired by:
"The Altar of Your Life" http://feedly.com/k/17TXRqT

News from The Lair 4-21-13

We have just returned from another lovely weekend at Tiger & Bear's house where there always seems to be laughter and love, in abundance.

Friday night, we all stood around the kitchen island and got insanely wasted while we discussed everything from religion to breakfast foods after dining on the best sub I've ever had.

Saturday, Aunt Hippy & Uncle Boomhower came and helped us celebrate Draco's impending 40th birthday (tomorrow) while we chowed down on Tiger's fantastic cooking. Meatloaf, mashed potatoes, green beans, gravy, Aunt H's amazing deviled eggs, cornbread (with and without cracklins), pink salad (Draco's specialty) and divine from-scratch German chocolate cake. Oh.My.Goddess!

Today was full of last-minute packing, teary eyes, long hugs and a two hour drive back to where we stay through the week after being served one of my favorite breakfast foods in the world, along with biscuits and gravy. I'm not sure what to call it, but it involves potatoes, cheese, onions and is heavenly with ranch dressing!

They say home is where your heart is, and our hearts are two hours away, so it's getting harder and harder to call this place "home".

We talked on the ride back and we both agree that we're living weekend to weekend now. Home is where they are, to us.

Draco, as I mentioned, celebrates the big 4-0 tomorrow, but most of his day will be spent at work. It's a bummer, but for us to pay our bills and still go to Tiger & Bear's on the weekends, we need full checks.

Now, we're back. I'm getting a good soak in while I write and Draco is on his X-Box. The weekly grind begins again tomorrow but our day is done today. All we want now is a little dinner, hot coffee, the comfort of each other's company while we miss our family and our games.

Hope you all had a blessed weekend and I wish you all the best as we head into another week.

Until next time, Hatchlings...

Blessings,

Drakina

Walking Away

If there was one lesson The Puppet Master and the array of other adults in my childhood taught me, it was how to walk away.
It seems I spent my childhood feeling like a commodity, and an expendable one at that. I watched many people come and go from my life...parents, step-parents, relatives, friends; all while the
primary adults in my life seemed to be playing a game of chess with me as the pawn.
Looking back, I suppose I should be grateful. Those hard-learned lessons of childhood prepared me for a hard-scrabble life I couldn't have foreseen back then. Being on the receiving end of "the walk" so often has given me the strength and courage to walk away from abusive relationships with friends and family, as well as lovers.
Still, it doesn't mean that it was easy.
Walking away is usually very painful for me. I don't let many people into my inner world to begin with and having to remove them from my life is often like exercising a demon you've gotten on a first-name basis with.
Still, it's been necessary. I've walked away from friendships that had become toxic, a husband I loved with all the passion of youth that became abusive, and most recently, family that I loved dearly.
Deciding when to walk, and who to walk away from, usually hurts me more than it does them, which seems to be the case with my family.
I won't sugar-coat it, I think I've always known, deep-down, that it would happen one day, and part of me figured it would be when The Puppet Master passed, but who expected her to go before she was 60? Who would have imagined that a woman, always so full of life, would suddenly become ill and be gone before we could really come to terms with her illness?
I guess part of me, of all of us, had the idea that she would live forever somehow, or at least well into old-age. Even when she had her heart attack some 4 years ago now, we all said it was stress and thought she was getting better.
I knew when she died that my time with the family she left behind was limited, but I couldn't have imagined the way it would go down or how limited it really was. That some of my "family" would simply turn their backs on me, or that the man I'd called "Daddy" for nearly 30 years would suddenly say the words I never thought I'd hear. He stopped my heart and my world when he bluntly said "I'm not your Daddy. I never was." Almost a year later and my heart can still hear the words as clearly as if it was yesterday.
Of course, we always knew he wasn't my biological father. He was my 2ND step-father and I knew who my biological father was, even though he wasn't worth claiming. The point was, this was one of the two men that I'd called "Daddy" practically all my life, the other being my first step-dad.
I was never allowed to call any of my family "step" or "half" anything. I was taught that family was family.
The other shocker was my half-brother. I've loved that boy all of his life. Honestly, out of all the family I lost, I think losing him hurt the worst. Somehow I thought that he loved me, in spite of how everyone else may have felt. That he would be the one that would remain part of my life, even if just phone calls to say he was ok, but I don't even get that. There is a gaping hole I'm my heart where he should be, a wound that never seems to heal. A place reserved only for him.
I guess I wasn't the only one The Puppet Master taught the lesson of walking away to. A lesson he seems to have learned even better than me.
I've come to terms with the loss of that family, even if I still find myself occasionally picking at the scabs. They still itch from time to time. Something tells me they always will.
An old saying that I've adapted for the purposes of my own faith goes, "When the gods close a door, they open a window" and I've found that to be true. I lost that family, but in it's place, I've once again found my family from childhood. My legacy from my first step-dad. He passed when I was in my early 20's, but he left behind a family (parts of it anyway) that has welcomed me back into the fold with open arms. My sister-cousin, Tiger, her husband Bear, her mom -Aunt Hippy (she's a hippy still and I love her for it) and her husband, Uncle Boomhower (he reminds me of Boomhower when he talks).
Aunt Hippy and I spend a lot of time talking about Dad (Teddy Bear), who was her brother, and I've discovered that years after the divorce, he still spoke of me from time to time with love and affection.
After losing all my "family" with the Puppet Master's passing, it helped my battered and scaly old heart to know that he loved me long after I was taken out of his life. I never faded from the memory of the family he gave me as I have with Step-Dad and his family. That in itself is a comfort.
Tiger and her family accept Draco and I, just as we are. I don't have to hide myself from them or pretend to be anything I'm not to feel deserving of their love. They give it freely and willingly and still would even if I didn't love them back. That just makes me love them more.
With them, I am the baby, even at almost 40. They love hard, they pet me, and they spoil me, which is something I never got before from any family other than them. It's something I didn't know I needed until they gave it so abundantly.
With them, I am at peace in a way I've never been before and Draco and I have taken to spending weekends with them because we can't bear to be away from them. They are my oasis in the desert.
The separation through the week is hard on us all, it would seem, but especially so on me and Tiger. We talk for several hours a day while our men are at work and now, we play WoW and talk in Vent most nights as well. It's my life-line through the week that gets me through to the weekend.
Speaking of weekends, it's Friday. Draco had to work today, but as soon as he gets off, we're on the road to see our family. Tomorrow, Tiger and Bear are throwing him a birthday dinner and Aunt H and Uncle B are coming. I better get moving and finish getting ready!
Hope you all have a blessed weekend! Until next time...
Blessings,
Drakina

Rekindling the light in the face of dark truths

"At times our own lights go out and are rekindled by the spark of another. We each have reason to think in gratitude of those who relit the flame within us."

I don't know who said that, but I'm not sure I've ever heard truer words in my life.

I know I said I felt I didn't have time for blogging anymore, and really, I guess I don't, but writing is my therapy in so many ways. Writing publicly, even if no one reads it but me, is like group therapy. Strange, I know, but sometimes truth really is stranger than fiction.

Maybe it's the topics that I was trying to write about. Sharing the deep, and often dark, parts of my soul with someone is a need in me that I rarely feed. Talking about the past is often hard, but it seems to be the only thing I really want to say. Maybe writing about my spiritual life will come in time, after I've completely exercised the demons of my past.

I used to avoid it for fear that one day someone in my family would read it and be hurt. Who am I kidding though? The person that hurt me the most is gone, the rest don't seem to care and are constantly brandishing their own version of the truth, so why not? Why not find the emotional release my tormented soul needs by sharing my truth?

Here are my darkest truths, laid bare. My family, meaning those who raised me, put the funk in dysfunctional. My parents never wanted me. My mother gave up her two oldest children, the oldest to adoption -- although there are rumors, have always been rumors, that he was sold for drug money or possibly died, and the adoption story was used as a cover -- and the other (me) to family. Her reputation and self-image was more important to her than anything save her youngest child. Why the youngest was blessed with her love and devotion while it was denied to us, I'll never know. She professed her love for us often, but the feelings that should have accompanied it were never there.

I was never truly jealous of the youngest in any way but that. No matter what he did, or didn't do, it was never his fault. He was never to blame. Someone else (usually me) was always somehow at fault. I, however, was the family scape-goat. Every bad thing in our family was somehow my fault.

I've come to realize that with my mother's passing, many people have broken what seemed to be a vow of silence. The stories I began to be told after her passing at first left me stunned, not quite sure what to believe, but after hearing the same, or similar, stories coming from so many different people, it became hard not to believe them.

My step-father and the youngest sibling cling to an idealized idea of who she was while I've had no choice but to see her for who and what she really was.

I suppose if there was a "best" too be had from her, they got it, but I never did. Maybe that's why it's been so easy for me to accept this new information while they continue to deny it.

My dark truth is that my "family" has tossed me away like so much garbage. Phone calls, voicemails and text messages go unanswered except by my sister (step-sister, but she's still my baby in my heart -- and she was treated nearly as badly as I was). Some have resorted to outlandish embellishments that turn innocent things into ugly ones, others have resorted to out-right lies. Already being branded unjustly and unfairly as the "black sheep" and a trouble-maker by my mother, I suppose it's made the lies easier for some to believe. A select few have attempted to defend me, but their reputations were like-wise tarnished before my mother's passing so their cries of injustice on my behalf fall on deaf ears.

In truth, it seems that most are more eager to believe lies than any truth on my behalf.

My dark truth is that the last year of my life has been a living hell and has only recently begun to truly heal with the help of people who became my family years ago through a marriage that didn't last, but a love for a lost and lonely child that did.

These people, these wonderful people, are healing places in my heart that I feared would be raw wounds forever. They are helping me heal that lost and lonely little girl that no one loved or wanted that still lives deep in my heart.

With them, I feel a love and acceptance I searched for all my life and thought I'd never find.

If you'd asked me, even the day before Tiger contacted me, how I felt about not having family outside of Draco, Dragonfly and the handful of close friends that I considered my extended family, I would have declared, quite convincingly, that I didn't need them. Didn't need any of them! I could have made you believe me too, because I almost believed me. It would have been a lie though.

The dark truth is, I was dying on the inside, my heart calling out for someone with a claim to actual family ties to love me and want to be part of my life. For someone, anyone, to accept me, faults and all, and love me anyway. I was so lonely and lost, searching for something I thought I'd never find.

The love of these wonderful people saved me from loneliness and despair. They saved me from the depths of my dark truths and with their love, I am finally becoming strong enough to truly heal.

It is a process. A long one, most likely. I've dealt with as much of it internally as I can and my heart tells me that the final step to healing these parts of myself is to talk about it. To put it out there for whoever finds this blog to read. To "shout from the rooftops" my truth and to hell with what they think or say. To tell them all that while I will not invade their lives with my obviously unwanted presence, that I will be silent no longer. I will not continue to protect the reputations of those that never even considered mine or my feelings.

I will share my truth, my life, as I have lived it. If any are over-come with feelings of shame or reputations are tarnished, then so be it.

I will say here and now that I realize everyone has their own experiences with people. Their experiences were not mine and I will not deny my right to speak of my past to protect any of them.

Some of my life has been graphic. I'm a survivor of molestation, physical, mental and emotional abuse and brain-washing as well as rape. I will tell my truths as I have lived them, not as others saw them or retold them.

I will not apologize for offending or contradicting anyone in my family. I may have gone along with the things I was told to say for years, but I never forgot the truth of the things I have experienced.

If anyone in my "family" finds this blog and realizes my true identity and does not want their memories of people tarnished or forever changed, I suggest you read no more because some people were not who you thought they were, including me.

I will speak my truths before keeping them secrets drives me insane.

Drakina

Time Warp

The last two weeks have been amazing. Tiger coming back into my life has been the breath of fresh air my life needed. We spent last Saturday with her parents and my Aunt and Uncle welcomed me back as if I'd never been gone.

They don't live where we moved here from, but going to see them still requires a 2 hour drive and usually a whole weekend away from home, so we have decided when Draco's job here runs out at the end of the year, we're relocating to where they live. We'll be close to my family and closer to our girls, Witchlet and Chicklet.

Yesterday, we finally figured out what the hold-up on our State Refund was and got that sorted out, so we should be getting that soon. I realized though, that the time for making decisions is upon me.

I had already been struggling with trying to fit everything I wanted to do in a day, and with the tax check will come internet and WoW plus the means to put some money into getting my business back up and running. I had to look at my responsibilities and desires realistically and admit to myself that if I tried to do everything I want to do, I'm going to be more overwhelmed than I already am.

That means that I had to prioritize things and decide what was going to have to either be let go or put on a back burner.

Draco, our spiritual practices, and my home has to be my main priority. I'm already struggling trying to balance weekdays here and weekends at Tiger's.

My family is time-consuming. There's almost always something going on with them and family is more important to Draco and I than anything else besides each other. We already don't see the girls often enough and I don't want the same thing to happen with Tiger and my family there. Plus, I have a little sister (Teddy Bear's bio daughter) that I don't really know and I'd really like to change that.

Right behind home and family comes Dragon's Lair Crafts because that brings me much joy as well as helps pay the bills when the business is up and running. Getting it off the ground will be very time-consuming, but very worth the effort.

Then, of course, there's WoW, which Tiger and Bear also play and we're looking forward to playing together again like we used to. It's a very social game and it'll be a way for Tiger and I to spend time together in the evenings while we're not seeing each other during the week.

The last things is my blog. While I do enjoy having one, and writing, I know that I've already been struggling. I write a lot, but finish, and publish, little. Getting the blog off the ground would be time-consuming and leave me little time for anything else. While I enjoy blogging, it was mostly a social outlet for a lonely woman with a social anxiety disorder and no family, friends, or life in the real world. As I sit here writing now, I've got a million other things in my real life that I should be doing instead including filling orders from the weekend, cleaning the house and getting ready to go do the shopping that's been put off since Friday.

I tried to blog yesterday and ended up in tears over the subject matter, which landed me in bed for a few hours trying to get myself together. I never did the shopping, we had subs for dinner and the house was a wreck. This morning, I realized I'd forgotten to make Draco's tea for work and I'd failed to bake the cake I'd promised him. I just can't let that happen.

As much as I enjoy blogging sometimes, I've got to reduce my load somewhere and the first thing to go will be this blog.

I'm not going to delete it and I won't say I'll never post anything again, but considering there's really no one reading it but me (and maybe Tiger), I see no point in keeping it a priority when I can just wrire in my journal and not have to feel guilty when I don't have time to write topic-appropriate material or visit other blogs regularly.

I've been a blogger for over 3 years now, hiding behind a computer screen because I had no life outside the walls of my home. Now, I'm determined to work on over-coming that.

I wish you all the best.

Love and light from The Dragon's Lair,

Drakina Moon