Roll with the punches

We just never really know what may be around the next corner, and sometimes, even when we think we have things all figured out, we realize that we don't.

Our holiday visit to Tiger's brought exactly this situation.

English: Jayco slide out kitchen area (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Naturally, we didn't think our family would be overjoyed about our plans to travel extensively, but what we didn't know was that Bear had already talked to his job about getting Draco hired on.  I'm still not certain why he did that in December, when we weren't planning to do anything until February-March, but he did, and what was done was done.  Tiger informed us shortly after we arrived that Bear was very upset that if Draco decided not to take the job, that it might make him look bad at work, and I can understand why.  We discussed the situation and decided to split the difference between our original plan and the new plan.

We are still buying the RV, still intending to live in it full-time, but we will be settling down close to where Bear and Tiger live and Draco will try for job welding with Bear and we will travel when Draco gets vacation time.

I'm really not as upset about this most recent change in plans as I feel I should be.

It's true, I was excited about living a more carefree life and seeing the world, but I suppose as I've gotten older, my ability to roll with the punches life sends me has improved.  It's probably a good thing, because the last few months has felt like a damn roller coaster!

Honestly, I was also looking forward to finally being closer to my sister and the rest of my family and it was a sacrifice.  One I was willing to make for Draco, but still a sacrifice.

Honestly though, he seems to be content with the idea and as long as he is happy, I will be happy as well.

So, Draco spent part of the holidays parked in front of Tiger's computer (we didn't take one with us), daydreaming about future RV upgrades, and even found us a few we both liked that were fairly reasonable.  Looks like once we get this RV set up and ready to go, we'll be saving our asses off to upgrade to something nicer, and bigger!

In other news, Christmas with family was a smashing success and we had a blast!  Even though I'm sure most, if not all, of our Christmas was bought before we decided to buy the RV, most of our gifts will be perfect for the new place!  I'm so excited to get it paid for and all set up!

Of course, it will be a little bit of an adjustment going into such a small space, but honestly, we've been traveling light for about 4 years now, so we really don't have a whole lot.  Most of our possessions seem to be in the form of craft supplies, and that's only going to get worse, lol!

Well, I think that about catches things up for now other than our roommate had her phone stolen last night at work.  Hopefully she'll come home with a replacement phone since she's gone to the police department to file a report and on to her phone company to report it stolen.

Blessings,

RV Living

I mentioned yesterday that Draco and I were looking into buying an RV.  It would seem that we may have found the one we'll end up with.  Chicklet has a best friend that found themselves in possession of one during a hard time in their lives last summer.  They have a 25 foot pull-behind camper and now that they have moved past that hard time, they have had the camper sitting in their front yard for several months gathering dust and leaves.

I messaged her yesterday (we're also Facebook friends via our connection with Chicklet) and asked her, on the off chance, if they had any intention of selling the RV.  Turns out they do, and they're only looking at getting a grand out of it.

After talking to my Aunt, who is a landlord and has owned several campers herself, she told me that even if we had to completely gut and remodel the RV to suit us, that we weren't going to find a 25 foot camper for that price anywhere else and it was her opinion that if we were going to purchase one, that we jump on that deal.  A phone call gave me a heads up on what all she knows is wrong with it (there were some things they just never used, like the stove or heating system) and pretty much sealed the deal that we will be buying it.

Last night, I got on Google and found a really nice RV park that's only about 20 minutes from where Tiger lives, which means it's about 20 minutes from the job we are hoping Draco will be getting as well.  Considering his job now is about 20 minutes from where we currently live, I'd say that's not too bad.

The site will cost us about $300/month with metered utilities, but with a camper that runs on propane for most things, and it just being the 2 of us, I don't see the power getting that bad.  Internet is $10/month and accessible from every site and there is a $50 deposit on the power, paid to the park itself.  They even have laundry facilities, although Tiger has a washer and dryer I could use, so I don't see needing that service.  They even offer a propane fill service.  You put your tank by the road, they pick it up, fill it, and bring it back to you. 

So, our bills there will actually stay around what we are paying here, but with more income to pay them, and the job won't be weather conditional.

Honestly, I'm looking forward to this in a lot of ways.  RV's have their own maintenance, but we'd be looking at that if we were buying a house or a mobile home, and honestly, I think it'll be a lot less maintenance in the long run.  I know that it'll be a lot of work in the beginning, but even if we decided later to do something else, this is something that will belong to us, that no one will ever be able to take away from us.

Baby Bump 1 (Photo credit: faemoon)

I mentioned this morning that we could always hitch it up and bring it down here for the weekend if we wanted to and Draco said no.  He said that when we come down, it'll either be for the day, or whoever wants us to stay can give us somewhere to stay while we're here.  Otherwise, we'll go home.  He said that our kids are grown and living their own lives, making their own choices, that don't have anything to do with us.  That is as it should be, but he said that now that they are, it's time for us to do the same.

He's right, and I know it.  We have lived our entire relationship for our kids.  Everything we've ever done has first had to pass thorough the filter of how it was going to effect our kids.  That was as it should be at the time, but that time has passed.

The truth is, he's 40 and I'm heading closer and closer to it.  We've never really lived just for us.

I look at Witchlet and her life and there are so many things she's doing right now that I wish were different, but the truth is, she's grown now and I can't control her life or the choices she makes.  I will always love her and I will always be there for her to call me if she needs a shoulder, but she is going to have to learn to live with the choices she's making, for good or bad.

I feel like I have spent 20 years competing with my ex's family, especially his mother.  Her relationship with Witchlet is toxic, and always has been, and I've expressed my concerns to Witchlet over and over, including my concerns where Little Witchlet is concerned, but she's not hearing me.  Again, I suppose this is a lesson she's going to have to learn the hard way.

I know that for myself, I can't deal with them any longer and with the upcoming birth of Little Witchlet, and Witchlet's inability to remove them from her life, that it's going to be the same thing all over again with the baby.  I thought if I came back here that maybe I could be there for Witchlet in some way that I wasn't before and she wouldn't feel the need for them anymore, but that's not how things have gone.  No matter what I've done, or how much I've done, she still goes over there everyday.  I can't stop her and it's time I stopped trying.

I suppose every parent goes through something like this.  Even as adults, we want to protect our children, especially from the things that hurt us when we were raising them, but the truth is, Witchlet is going to make her choices and there's nothing I can do.

In other news, Spirit nearly broke my arm last night.  She has a thing for my roommate's cats and she tried to dart after them with me holding her leash and it caused my arm to hit the porch post and almost snapped it at the elbow.  I've got more use of it so far today than I thought I would, but it sore and it hurts, so I'm going to call this one a day and go.  I have 3 days worth of meditation journaling I have to do for school and life has been so busy that I even let last night's full moon get away from me.

Blessings,
Fae Moon

School, Ordination and the pursuit of domestic bliss

So I found a place online called Universal Life Church.  They are non-denominational and they offer immediate online ordination.  I decided to go ahead and get ordained through them.

I also started taking classes at a different school, called The Magical Circle School, that offers a degree program.

I am undecided about what I'm going to do about my witch-school classes.  I'm still enrolled there as a basic free student, but I really like this other school.  I'm not sure what I want to do.  I don't know if I can pull off both schools at the same time or not.  I've been trying to decide.

I do know that whatever classes I take, where ever I take them, I think I'm going to be talking them some here on my blog.  MCS offers a student blog, and there will be things I'm required to journal there, but to me, that journal feels more like the notebooks I had to keep for specific classes in school where you turned in the entire notebook for a grade and that makes me feel a little more formal with it than I am here.  I think having an outlet to talk about what I'm learning will be a good thing, that will ultimately help me to grow even more in my studies.

Also, there has been major changes on the domestic front.  We seem to have inherited a dog that was left her by our roommate's boyfriend when he moved out the last time.  Her name is Spirit and she is a Catahoola Leopard Dog.  She is around a year old, but has never been trained, so we've really been working with her hard to establish ourselves as pack leaders and get her to follow basic commands.

I have to admit, she's been more of a challenge to train that what I'm used to.  She is responding to "sit" and "lay down" but that's about it for now.  The good news is, her time outside seems to have her mostly housebroken on her own and she is a very loving girl.  Her favorite thing to do is to curl up with you for snuggles and love.

Jayco 1006 Pop-up Camper Trailer (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

We have also decided, due to a combination of reasons, to move closer to Tiger and Bear after taxes.  We had been thinking of trying to rent a place close to them, but today Draco mentioned something I hadn't thought about since last summer.

His boss is talking about selling  his camper again.  I'm thinking how perfect that would be!  There are a number of camp sites close to Tiger's house.  There would be no big deposits to worry about, most of the camp grounds are pet-friendly and come with all the utilities included and even though my home would be highly mobile...it would still be my home and I could fix it up however I wanted!  I'm so excited about this idea again that I could bust!

I mean seriously, Draco and I can't have 2-legged kids anymore.  Witchlet was our one and only and she's 20 and pregnant with my first grandchild now and out on her own.  What do we need a huge place to have to clean for?  All the furniture usually comes with them (and is bolted to the floor lol).  All we'd have to really worry about a lot is where to put our altar and getting like maybe a TV and microwave for it.  Beyond that...they have heat and A/C in them already and we don't have a lot of stuff, so I think it'd be perfect!  Besides, we'd be on the lake pretty much all the time, which Draco and I would both love for our own reasons!

Can you say year-round vacation??

OK, that's it for me today.  I've got so much on my mind now that I don't know what to do with it all!

Blessings!
Fae Moon

Sharing Grief

Last night was rough. I spent the end of my evening helping my sister-cousin, Tiger, try to wade through the over-whelming grief and anger that comes with loosing a fur-child.

Although little Noel's life was peppered with health issues that the vet could not identify, we all believed that she was trying to get better. She had not been feeling well the last few days, but that was not uncommon. Her health tended to see-saw so much that we had all come to accept it as part of her life. Not knowing what was wrong with her gave us all a false sense of hope that, one day, she might recover and live a normal life.

Even with her health issues, her passing last night seemed so sudden and unexpected to us all, but especially to Tiger.

Tiger was wracked with the grief and guilt that only a fur-mom can know and I know from my own experiences with loosing fur-kids, that there really isn't anything anyone can say or do to lessen the hold grief wraps around your heart like a vice.  All I could do was try to hold my own grief in check and be a comforting voice on the other end of a too far away phone call.

My heart ached as I listened to one of the most important people in my life try to give voice to the pain that consumed her. My Tiger, so strong, yet with the unbridled heart of a child when it comes to what she loves and values.

As an empath, feeling the emotions of others is something I struggle to avoid most days, but with Tiger, as with Draco and Witchlet, those boundaries do not exist. I have no walls to separate me from them because I refuse to allow them.

Being 2 hours away on a work night, I could not offer her the small comfort my presence may have given her. I could not reach her to hold her with my arms, so I held her the only way I could -- with my heart.

As I let her grief and pain wash over my soul, I knew I was giving her a gift only I could offer her, sharing her grief. Her pain became my pain, her heart to my heart. A bond I share with precious few. I could almost feel our souls connect over the miles that separated us.

I know that this small act on my part did not, and cannot, lessen her pain. Nothing can.

They say that time heals all wounds, but that is not true. I still ache to hold my lost fur-children. My heart is still littered with raw spots that their passings have left, like tiny paw-prints on my heart. I know that the loss of Noel will leave those tiny paw-prints on Tiger's heart as well.

While my gift last night cannot take away her pain, I hope that it at least made the darkness she wandered in a little less lonely, a little less frightening because I know the darkness that grief can cast on your soul. I know the devastation of loss.

Sometimes, there are no words we can offer to those in pain. People often try to fill the silence with empty words and platitudes. Their intentions are good, but sometimes the only thing we truly have to offer another in their moments of grief is our heart and someone to share the pain.

While Tiger made the trip to lay her fur-child to rest, I laid my head in Draco's lap and tried to release my own grief. I had gotten attached to Noel over the many weekends we've spent at their house and looked on her and her fur-sister, Raven, as my nieces. They are Tiger's children in her heart and could be no less in mine.

As I once again light candles this morning, I am grateful that our little Noel no longer feels the pain her body suffered and I hope the light from her candle will lead her safely on to The Rainbow Bridge where she will wait with Tiger's other lost fur-children until they are reunited once more.

I will also light candles for Tiger for the strength she will need in the coming days as she struggles to deal with her loss, for strength for Bear as he tries to offer what comfort he can to the woman he loves as he deals with his own loss. For Aunt Hippy and Uncle Boomhower, who rushed to her side to offer what comfort they could and for myself and Draco while we try to help in whatever ways we can.

My candles are but small dots of light in the darkness Noel's passing has left, but they are lights just the same and I believe with all my heart that Noel can see those lights and knows that we are grieving and that in our grief, she was loved.

Rest easy now, Miss Noel, your family loves you.

With love,

Auntie

Walking Away

If there was one lesson The Puppet Master and the array of other adults in my childhood taught me, it was how to walk away.
It seems I spent my childhood feeling like a commodity, and an expendable one at that. I watched many people come and go from my life...parents, step-parents, relatives, friends; all while the
primary adults in my life seemed to be playing a game of chess with me as the pawn.
Looking back, I suppose I should be grateful. Those hard-learned lessons of childhood prepared me for a hard-scrabble life I couldn't have foreseen back then. Being on the receiving end of "the walk" so often has given me the strength and courage to walk away from abusive relationships with friends and family, as well as lovers.
Still, it doesn't mean that it was easy.
Walking away is usually very painful for me. I don't let many people into my inner world to begin with and having to remove them from my life is often like exercising a demon you've gotten on a first-name basis with.
Still, it's been necessary. I've walked away from friendships that had become toxic, a husband I loved with all the passion of youth that became abusive, and most recently, family that I loved dearly.
Deciding when to walk, and who to walk away from, usually hurts me more than it does them, which seems to be the case with my family.
I won't sugar-coat it, I think I've always known, deep-down, that it would happen one day, and part of me figured it would be when The Puppet Master passed, but who expected her to go before she was 60? Who would have imagined that a woman, always so full of life, would suddenly become ill and be gone before we could really come to terms with her illness?
I guess part of me, of all of us, had the idea that she would live forever somehow, or at least well into old-age. Even when she had her heart attack some 4 years ago now, we all said it was stress and thought she was getting better.
I knew when she died that my time with the family she left behind was limited, but I couldn't have imagined the way it would go down or how limited it really was. That some of my "family" would simply turn their backs on me, or that the man I'd called "Daddy" for nearly 30 years would suddenly say the words I never thought I'd hear. He stopped my heart and my world when he bluntly said "I'm not your Daddy. I never was." Almost a year later and my heart can still hear the words as clearly as if it was yesterday.
Of course, we always knew he wasn't my biological father. He was my 2ND step-father and I knew who my biological father was, even though he wasn't worth claiming. The point was, this was one of the two men that I'd called "Daddy" practically all my life, the other being my first step-dad.
I was never allowed to call any of my family "step" or "half" anything. I was taught that family was family.
The other shocker was my half-brother. I've loved that boy all of his life. Honestly, out of all the family I lost, I think losing him hurt the worst. Somehow I thought that he loved me, in spite of how everyone else may have felt. That he would be the one that would remain part of my life, even if just phone calls to say he was ok, but I don't even get that. There is a gaping hole I'm my heart where he should be, a wound that never seems to heal. A place reserved only for him.
I guess I wasn't the only one The Puppet Master taught the lesson of walking away to. A lesson he seems to have learned even better than me.
I've come to terms with the loss of that family, even if I still find myself occasionally picking at the scabs. They still itch from time to time. Something tells me they always will.
An old saying that I've adapted for the purposes of my own faith goes, "When the gods close a door, they open a window" and I've found that to be true. I lost that family, but in it's place, I've once again found my family from childhood. My legacy from my first step-dad. He passed when I was in my early 20's, but he left behind a family (parts of it anyway) that has welcomed me back into the fold with open arms. My sister-cousin, Tiger, her husband Bear, her mom -Aunt Hippy (she's a hippy still and I love her for it) and her husband, Uncle Boomhower (he reminds me of Boomhower when he talks).
Aunt Hippy and I spend a lot of time talking about Dad (Teddy Bear), who was her brother, and I've discovered that years after the divorce, he still spoke of me from time to time with love and affection.
After losing all my "family" with the Puppet Master's passing, it helped my battered and scaly old heart to know that he loved me long after I was taken out of his life. I never faded from the memory of the family he gave me as I have with Step-Dad and his family. That in itself is a comfort.
Tiger and her family accept Draco and I, just as we are. I don't have to hide myself from them or pretend to be anything I'm not to feel deserving of their love. They give it freely and willingly and still would even if I didn't love them back. That just makes me love them more.
With them, I am the baby, even at almost 40. They love hard, they pet me, and they spoil me, which is something I never got before from any family other than them. It's something I didn't know I needed until they gave it so abundantly.
With them, I am at peace in a way I've never been before and Draco and I have taken to spending weekends with them because we can't bear to be away from them. They are my oasis in the desert.
The separation through the week is hard on us all, it would seem, but especially so on me and Tiger. We talk for several hours a day while our men are at work and now, we play WoW and talk in Vent most nights as well. It's my life-line through the week that gets me through to the weekend.
Speaking of weekends, it's Friday. Draco had to work today, but as soon as he gets off, we're on the road to see our family. Tomorrow, Tiger and Bear are throwing him a birthday dinner and Aunt H and Uncle B are coming. I better get moving and finish getting ready!
Hope you all have a blessed weekend! Until next time...
Blessings,
Drakina