Life Choices

So today, I saw this picture posted by KARMA: What Goes Around Comes Around and it really made me think.  I mean, doesn't it seem profoundly true in so many ways?  How many times have you thought you had it all worked out and suddenly realized that although you thought you had it all worked out, suddenly the answer didn't seem to make sense anymore?

I know I seem to have had a heaping dose of that lately myself.

In truth, I think it's just that I'm in an uncomfortable place in my life right now.  All the news I received from the hospital while I was sick, although it was information that I needed to have, it left me in a bit of a predicament.

You see, although I felt largely unfulfilled some days, I wasn't really what I would call unhappy with my life.  I had my bad habits like everyone else (smoking and drinking way too much caffeine), but I reasoned those away with how I could definitely have much worse habits ("I mean...it's not like I'm a real drug addict or anything...").

My time at the hospital told me that no matter how I tried to make my habits seem reasonable, that they were still killing me.

English: Caffeine Free Coca-Cola (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Since leaving the hospital, I've almost completely given up caffeine, something I honestly never thought I'd do.  My life is fueled on coffee and giving it up has been hard.  I haven't completely quit, but I have been considering buying some decaf instant and seeing if I can fool myself with it the same way I have with Caffeine-free soda.

The other thing is that in replacement of all the caffeine-rich drinks I was having, I've switched over to drinking juice some.  Me, drinking juice...those that know me personally could tell you that's something they never thought they'd see.

The next thing is smoking.  For the last 2 days, I've been trying to smoke some on an e-cigarette and cut back on how many real cigarettes I'm smoking.  Draco and I have spent the morning looking over various websites and brands, comparing prices for starter kits and refills.  I'm very curious about the flavored ones.  I have found a site that carries coffee, vanilla and cherry (well, they carry more than that, but those are the ones I'm looking at).  I thought about contacting them and asking them if they'd let me do a product review, but I really don't have enough traffic here to interest anyone for something like that.

I think we finally settled on the Victory Electronic Cigarette.  The tobacco store close to our house has the starter kits for $25 and Draco and I are both considering getting one.

At first, he wasn't going to quit smoking with me, but after we talked last night, I think he's changed his mind and is looking forward to giving it a try himself.  I'm really excited about the coffee flavored one.

This week, I'm also going to some decaf coffee.  See if I can make my brain believe it's getting what it wants without the added crap that will put me on dialysis for the rest of my life.

OK, so I'm having to use some little tricks and lies on myself.  I'm sure there are those out there that say it's just as wrong as bribing a child to get it to do what you want it to do, but I say it's more along the lines of positive reinforcement...and besides, if caffeine and smoking are really so bad for me (and I believe they are), who gives a crap how I have to go about getting off of them, just so long as I do?

Have you had to detox bad habits from your life?  What did you give up and how?

Blessings,

Fae Moon

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Reconsidering

So, I haven't posted at this blog since May, right before my mom's birthday and I haven't posted over at the Wordpress blog in a week or two either.  I had thought that once again, I was done blogging.  I told myself I just don't have time to be a blogger, and really I don't, but...I still have a desire to write.  Not for the masses, but for myself.  For my husband, daughter and granddaughter.  For my Chicklet.  For the day when I'm gone and people want to feel some kind of connection to me.

See, since I've been gone from blogging, I almost died twice.  I got pneumonia about 3 weeks ago now and my right lung nearly collapsed.  Not a good thing when you have severe asthma.  They admitted me to the hospital and told me it almost killed me.  That I was literally drowning in mucus in my lung and had I waited much longer to go to the emergency room, and my lung had collapsed...well, lets just say that with asthma, that would have been very bad and I might not have had time to get to the emergency room before I stopped breathing completely.

Then, as part of the treatment for the pneumonia, they prescribed me steroids.  Apparently I had a bad reaction to them because I started having heart palpitations and my blood pressure skyrocketed a week to the day after I'd been admitted for pneumonia.  They said I nearly blew a valve in my heart and if I had done that, I could have been dead before I even hit the floor with a massive heart attack.

So, I've been thinking a lot about "when I'm gone" lately.  I've been thinking about all the times since my mom passed so unexpectedly, that I wished there was a way I could hear her voice one more time.  That I wished I could talk to her once more.

Well, blogging won't really help for hearing my voice, but in some ways, it might, because I write in my voice and my kids know it.  I write the way I talk, or at least I try to, so maybe one day when I'm gone, one of my kids or Draco will get to missing me and they'll remember..."Hey, she was a blogger...I think I'll go read some of her old posts and feel close to her again".

With that said, if one of my husband, kids (or grand kids) is reading this, and I am gone, know that I love you and that I'm doing this for you and that even now, I'm thinking of you all as I write this.

So, I will be writing.  I'm not going to set the blog to private and make them jump through a bunch of hoops with passwords and all that mess, but what I write, I'll be writing for myself, and for them.  Not for the masses.  If others want to read my words, that's awesome, but if not, that's OK too because I'm writing for them.  They are my world.  They are my everything.  They are all that has ever really mattered to me and everything I've ever done, in some way, I've done for them.

Blessings,
Fae